My List

It's December 29th...it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm feeling good!

Can you tell I am listening to Micheal Buble?

So I made it through the whole giving back our foster baby thing! I felt God's strength in such a big way as I handed back to his mom. I didn't even hardly cry! Miracle!

Now, Christmas is over and I cleared all the evidence out of my house today! Dusted, vacuumed, and threw away lots of trash...whew that feels good!

Now Michayla is at a friends house for the night and X is still at work and I have the clean house all to myself for a bit!

Of course I still have all my facebook friends to chat with at a moments notice, yes I have a mild addiction to facebook!

Listening to The Verve and blogging, life is good!

I have been thinking a lot about the up and coming 2009 year. I don't really make any real resolutions but I do sit down and write out some goals. I don't hold myself to them but it's nice to sit down, reflect and think of what I would like to do. My goals don't necessarily have to get accomplished in that coming year but I like to plan trips and adventures. I could always use some kind of improvement in different areas of my life. There are disciplines I would still like to acquire and I think that it is good to sit down and write them all down. I write down the little things like, I want to read more beauty magazines, to I want to travel to Indonesia or Salsa dance in Cuba. So here it goes...my list for 2009...

I WOULD LIKE TO...

* Learn Spanish

*Run a half marathon

*(like I said before) Salsa Dance in Cuba

*Go on a cruise with my girls

*Go back to Hawaii (a must at least once a year!)

*Grow my hair long again

*perfect my downward dog and warrior pose :-)

*Join a book club

*Take a cooking class

*Get my personal training certification

*Renew my spinning certification and start teaching again

*Laugh more, stress less

*Connect more with my friends

*Go wine tasting in Napa

*Visit NYC

*Stop a few crazy cycles I find myself in

*Be more assertive

*Think less of what other people think about me

*Write more

*Love with all of me

*Mentor a woman in need

*Go fishing more

*Buy a convertible

*Sing karaoke

So there you go. I am sure I will think up some more tonight. I will be adding to that list. So here you go, go make your own list. Write down your thoughts of your life this last year, the good, bad and the ugly. Write down your own crazy thoughts of where you would like to go and what you would like to do. Don't limit yourself! Ooh, there is another one...*I am not going to limit myself!

DREAM!!!!!

What Did I do? How do I do This?

As I was at the doctors office with him yesterday for two hours I was thinking, “Thank God this is my last doctors visit with him!" But as the day went on the tears came and the thoughts of not being able to do this with my sanity still intact set in.There was a storm today. A cold, wet storm that decided to get worse as I stepped out the door (of course). I am not the most organized person to begin with. Every year I go through something of the same, can't find my umbrellas. I have a couple of huge, fabulous pink umbrellas. I put them away somewhere every year and can't find them till the rain passes. This year is no exception. I have looked everywhere and still cannot find them. I will probably find them tomorrow after the rain stops. So, today I had a doctors appointment for the baby. I get him bundled up, grab his blanket, give him his bottle and head out the door. As we run out the door, we get about halfway to the car and he chucks the bottle. I run after it and pick it up. I drape his blanket over my head because I decided to try and look cute today, you know make-up and flat ironed hair. Evan is pissed off that I am trying to use his blanky and screams as I put into his car seat. He arches his back so I can't seat belt him in and rips the blanket off my head. I am soaked as I finally get into the car. Whew...then we get there...It's STILL raining...A LOT!!!We got there and we waited for an hour and a half and it was hell! Baby was on crack…no not really (not a funny joke considering why we have him), but he was out of his mind hyper. They couldn’t even weigh him because he was so wild and so the nurse says that she wants me to get on the scale and weigh us both together then me by myself so she could get his correct weight….OH…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?

A Tough Week

This week is my last week with our little foster baby...I can't even type that without crying! He has not been an easy baby at all. I have been in somewhat of a hole these last 6 months. I believe that we did what we were supposed to do. On the other hand I really went into this, at first, thinking we were going to be able to adopt him. I didn't realize that a system was not willing to give to him the resources that we might need to help him. There have been so many things go on with this case that it would make a normal person's mind spin...yet we were blessed to have him for these 6 months. Blessed and cursed...man has it been hard!
His mom is not ready to have him back, and I feel after knowing her for these 6 months, that she won't ever be ready to have all three of her kids. More than likely they will end up back in the system. Statistically they will be back in a foster home. Statistically the mom will end up back on drugs. This is not the first rehab she has been in and her mom is still an addict and has been one for 30+ years. She took both her kids there today for the afternoon.
Hey, let's give her another chance...how am I supposed to do this??? What did I get myself into...me and my good effing deeds! I am a mess! I really don't know how to get through this~
This is all I can say tonight.

Reflection

This darling little girl is my niece, Shayla Jean. Besides my own daughter, she is my most favorite little girl in the world! She is curious, cuddly, and hilarious!!! She didn't want to go back up to the Sacramento area with her parents, away from her auntie and the ocean, but seeing as though she is only 14 months old she didn't have much of a choice! This picture was taken while we were at the Oceanside Pier during the Thanksgiving week.

The parentals and brother, sis-in-law, and baby Shay-Shay came down for three days. You know what? There was NO drama! It was one of the best holidays in a really long time! My brother was so fun to hang out with, I have always thought that he is one of the coolest cats around. We got to see his best friends for breakfast and catch up and laugh and laugh! I even cried when they left! We had a blast!

My Joy

My daughter's middle name is Joy. A joy is truly what she is to me, especially lately!!! She is 11 and she is fabulous! Right now we are both reading books in the Twilight series and we are both counting down the days until the movie comes out on Friday.
I debated and thought about whether to let her read the book series. But after reading all but the last book, I decided to let her go ahead.
We were in Barnes and Nobles (our favorite place on earth, besides the beach) and we were talking about all her friends that were reading the 1st book in the series, Twilight. She had asked me to read the book a couple months ago but I had told her that I thought that she should wait until she was a bit older. She sighed and asked once more but I stood my ground.
Michayla, being the lady that she is, accepted my decision with grace and an attempt to find another book that could hold her attention. I am so grateful that she loves to read!
Back to Barnes and Noble. We were there talking about Twilight, and what she had heard. She had a friend of hers ask her if she was reading it and she told this girl that no she hadn't but she really wanted to, but her mom had told her that she needed to wait until she was a little older. She said this without a pout, without manipulation, and without even a hint of anger towards me. She trusted me to make a decision about something she really wanted to do and didn't argue with me. As we stood there in the isle between the children section and the pre-teen section, I looked down at her and asked, "Michayla, you really want to read Twilight don't you."
She replied with a shrug of the shoulders and a quick glance down towards her feet.
"I know you want me to wait to read it. That's okay!" She said.
Right there my heart melted. I was thinking about letting her read it, but I wanted to make sure the books were okay.
I asked her again, "Do you want to read Twilight?".
She looked up at me with those big hazel eyes and said, "Yeah mom, I really really do."
"Grab the book and I will read it with you." I could not resist how sweet she was about the whole thing!
This is my Michayla Joy! She is a girl that has challenged me (what an understatement!) in a way that I never thought that "my child" would challenge me with. We have had our share of pre-adolescence problems (with even a trip down to the Police Station for some scared straight tactics), but right now I am enjoying her immensely!
We cook together almost every night. She loves helping me look up recipes, gathering up all our ingredients, and chopping, seasoning and marinating. We watch the Food Network together just for fun and inspiration. She is now starting to come up with her own ideas for recipes, some pretty good ones really!
We discuss politics and how some people handle (or don't handle) themselves well during political discussions.
We talk about respecting others opinions and their views without compromising your own convictions.
We talk about how to be tactful and gracious.
We talk about issues that concern her and how they impact the world as she sees it. We talk about what her role can be now and later to help others less fortunate.
No matter who you voted for in this presidential election, I love the fact that through watching the debates she picked up (all by herself) the fact that Obama stressed community service, and that she might be able to get a "discount for college" (Michayla's paraphrasing) if she served her community. She was so excited about that and informed me right then that she would be voting for Obama because of that reason alone! :-) If only she could vote! :-)

We have had a foster baby for the last 6 months who has taken a lot attention off of her, which being an only child I would have thought she might have gotten jealous. Not once has she complained..NOT ONCE!!! She has learned a lot about other people and drugs and bad decisions leading you down a road that you never thought you would end up on. She has learned that drug addicts are not second rate citizens that you look down on. I pray that it will forever be impressed on her that it was only one bad decision for some, that lead them down a path of utter despair. These people need her and her compassion! She is already looking for ways to make a difference.

We talk about God and the Bible. We talk about other religions and what different people believe. I share with her what I have seen God do and I tell her stories about hope, love and peace.

We are using the same facial scrub, deodorant, hairspray, flat iron and hair accessories.

We talk about traveling to different countries and cities. We have so many travel plans. She is so adventurous!

Okay, so right now she just asked me if tomorrow, we could have steak for dinner, and potatoes. She is always thinking ahead, in terms of food! LOL! Then she asks, " Mom, why are potatoes soooo good with steak?"
Oh Michayla, I don't know. They just are!
I adore you, mama!!!!

Fall Thoughts

Here is California, that fall feeling is different than it is in other parts of this country. Halloween day was about 82* during the day and a very warm night. The plus of that is that we don't have to wear jackets that cover up our, Oh so Cute, costumes. The draw back is that I am really ready for a change. Finally a couple days ago when the time changed it rained and is very cold at night. (By cold I mean 57* at night...buuurrr. Yes, I know that could be above most peoples day time temp!) But now that it feels like fall I was looking through some pictures and I found this one, and for some reason it make me feel fallish. (Is that a word?) These girls make me so happy. They are silly, goofy, intelligent, thoughtful, full of drama and kindness! I finally found the cord to download my pics from my camera and I need to catch up on the blog about cheer competition the election, and some cooking creations. I just had to give a shout out to Fall and say, " I am happy you finally decided to show up!!!".

Here are a couple of other pics from Halloween. I think these girls are some fabulous little ladies!!!

Ready for school in at 6:30 AM!!!

Cheese!

Goofy!!!

Lighten Up

After yesterdays screaming blog I thought I need to lighten it up a bit.
When I get stressed I eat. I am trying hard to overcome this, so now instead, I cook. You might be thinking, "Hhhmmm, that sounds the same Amber." While it is similar, it is not raiding the pantry and eating the cookies and crackers and any other after school snacks I have stored.
Cooking calms me. I have really found that it is like meditation for me. It is just me, all my ingredients, maybe a glass of wine and my thoughts to ponder. I have found that it centers me.
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately. I have found some fabulously creative blogs. Decorating blogs, crafty blogs, and food blogs have been a source of comfort for me with all the politics and other negative things out there recently. I find myself drawn into a place where people want to talk paper and glue or goat cheese and peaches. Goat cheese and peaches make me smile!!!
Last night I made a recipe from one of my favorite blogs called FoodPornDaily.com, I love that name. I made stuffed portabello mushrooms with a side salad with balsamic dressing! I am telling you thick cut bacon, apples, onions, baby bok choy, parsley and chevre and freshly grated Parmesan sauteed and stuffed into a giant mushroom cap! YUMMY!!!! My house still smells yummy this morning.
Bad Day? What bad day?
That is what I found myself saying last night when I sat down to share that meal with my husband.
I find it amazing, the power of food. (For the good and evil. :-) )
Tonight I am making a roasted vegetable soup from a blog called PinchMySalt.com and then going down to my favorite French bistro to get some fresh French Bread and visit with the fabulous french owners. I love listening to them speak! Maybe have a cappuccino and talk about France for a while, that makes me smile too!
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow! :-)

What's Important

Turning on the news this morning with depressing news. It just struck me especially sad this morning for some reason. There are just so many senseless murders, but don’t you dare even hint that you want to restrict my right to “bear arms”. Then I got a call from my husband and he told me that our really good friend’s mother was murdered yesterday by his brother. He was on drugs more than likely when he killed her. The details are still emerging as you could imagine.
I then took our little foster baby to his mother who is currently in a drug rehab. When I showed up there were several police cars in the parking lot. When I walked in to drop off this little baby there were three police officers and a woman that I have seen for the last 4 months sitting in the lobby with red and swollen eyes full of despair, resignation, hopelessness and determination. The despair of never being able to get out of her current situation, it must look so daunting. The resignation of giving in to the cycle of abuse and sickness, it must seem so strong. The hopelessness of the dark and dirty place you never seem that far from, it must be so frightening. The determination of a drug addict who will do anything for a fix, abandon her children, her sanity, and her soul.
I stood there staring at her, not even realizing I was staring because I wanted to run up to her and beg her not to leave everything she had worked so hard to achieve. I stood there with tears in my eyes fighting the urge to beg this mother not to leave her children. I was then approached by a stranger and told to give the baby to her so she could remove him from this volatile situation and she would deliver him to his mom. I then gave her the baby and diaper bag and she disappeared. I stood there for a second more and while I looked at this fellow mother sitting with tears streaming down her face and police standing around her, she looked up at me and I started crying and turned to walk out the door. As I waked to my car, there was a police officer talking on the phone telling the person on the other end that she just wants to leave and they were trying to get a hold of her parole officer to talk some sense in her but it was doubtful it would help because this woman was determined. She would go straight to jail, her two children straight to a foster home or if none could be found then, a holding center until one could be found.
Her children are at school. When they get out more than likely they will be greeted by a social worker and police officer and told that their mom won’t be able to take care of them. They will know what that means because they have been living in a drug rehab with her and know far to much for their very young age. They will be scared and there will be tears and hopefully someone with compassion to hold them while they are escorted to their new home for the time being.
As this election season finally draws to an end, today’s events have made me think. I have heard so many people talking, debating, and arguing about things like gun control and our right to own a damn gun. How imposing more taxes or any more regulations on fire arms would be so wrong. I have also heard a lot about taxes and how this person will raise your taxes and that person will cut your taxes. I have heard people argue about gay marriage and the impact that it will have on your right as a parent or our morality as a society. What about animal rights? They should be able to move in their cages and have a happy life as they are waiting to be killed for our consumption. While these issues are all important they are not the most important.
I do NOT hear anyone talking about these children that are motherless! I hear no one arguing about how our foster system is so broken that in a lot of cases they have to wait in a facility with 80 other children ages 11 and under, for homes because there aren’t any for them to go into. I have not gotten any emails about the amount of neglect or child abuse that goes on. I hear no one yelling about how broken our court systems are and how our drug programs are not working. There are about 1400 foster children in just San Diego county and there about 700 foster homes. These children are neglected and abused and there is no money for any rehabilitation or therapy for children under the age of three. NO money people, for the babies that can be greatly helped by play therapy or good doctors. You can’t even take these little people to good doctors because they are all on MediCal and community clinics are the only ones that will take MediCal.
This is an issue that is in every city, in every state. As a Christian I feel it is my responsibility to be an advocate for the orphan, I believe it is of every Christian. The Bible has made that abundantly clear. Somehow be part of the solution! Stop being so scared that your rights as a parent will be somehow taken away by the government, trust me…you can abuse drugs and your child, be in prison and still have parental rights to your child! You would even have the ability to say yes or no to someone else giving your child a simple hair cut! (Seriously!) What could have more of an impact on society? These children are growing up and will one day be the ones responsible for making a difference in our cities, good or bad.
Think about it!

A Random Saturday

I went to bed last night exhausted! I have had a friends 11 year old daughter for the week and they have been sleeping in the front living room. On top of that at any weekday morning or afternoon I have at least 3 or 4 girls either getting ready in the morning or doing homework after school. The mess has been overwhelming! On top of that having a baby that zaps any energy you have because of the incessant whining and crying, it all has just been a little overwhelming. (Hhhmmm, that's the second time I have used that word in just a little paragraph.) I have not been taking care of myself either for example, not sleeping enough, drinking a little too much red wine, not eating well, not getting enough sunshine, not exercising...I think you get the picture.

This week I got a wake up call! This is not who I am!!!

Okay, refocus!

I am starting a cleanse Tuesday.

I am going through my cupboards today. Oh, the shame of what is lurking in there! This is how bad it is...I have two boxes of Top-of-Ramen in there!

It has been such an easy slide with all the kids that want snacks, to buy the cheap, easy, crappy snack food. What's wrong with ripe organic apples with natural organic peanut butter. It might take a little effort on my part but I want them to have good food and not just filler food.

I also want an organized house! Oh, I want that so bad! I am not the best at this! I was reading a blog the other day from one of my favorite artists and she was talking about how she always has a house full of High School boys and girls. She was talking about how she has this huge table and art supplies out all the time and the kids will just sit down and do little crafts, even high school football players! That totally inspired me! I love that! In a society where art is taken out of most public and private schools, to have a place that they can come to and hang out and get creative, I think that is just fabulous! Before I can make that happen I need to get a little organized. I need to find all my art supplies and make them available for use! (There's an idea. LOL!)

So this morning after crashing way before my husband last night, I woke up and found that my entire house was spotless and coffee was freshly made. It was like the cleaning fairy had come in the middle of the night and quickly and quietly cleaned and made coffee. Of course there is no cleaning fairy, but there is my husband! Yes, that is right! As I slept, he stayed up and cleaned and then made coffee this morning before he went to work. It is Saturday and he will be working all day and most of this evening. (Who said owning your own business is all that?) That is L.O.V.E!!!

Tomorrow is the start of competition season for Michayla's cheerleading. We will meet the team in a parking lot at 6am to drive down to San Diego to attend our 1st competition for the year. Let me tell you these girls look FABULOUS!!! Last year we got to go to Nationals in Florida and this year I am pretty sure we will be doing the same! Michayla is doing her back handspring in the routine this year so I am a little nervous but she is so great out there on that floor! It will be a LONG day tomorrow, but these are the memories I will take with me forever! We will have our car decorated with all the green silver and white we can get our hands on and will spend some of today making banners and signs for the parents. We will spend hours on putting curlers in hair and then another hour at the end of the day trying to figure out a way she can sleep comfortably with all those crazy things in her head! We will spend tomorrow screaming for our other O'side teams and be exhausted after laughing, crying(there is usually a lot of that happening at the end, win or lose), and dancing (you know the Cha-Cha slide and such). In the end the exhaustion is well worth it!

Quick note...Our football team is in the playoffs right now and if they win the championship (which they came within one game last year, but we had reffs that were paid off, long story..) they would go to Florida also. I think it would be the coolest thing if we all got to go together! That almost never happens! O'side ROCKS!!!! GO LIGHTNING PIRATES!!!!!!!!

HSM3

Last year we had a countdown going until the premier of HSM2, for those of you that do not have pre-teen daughters that is High School Musical 2. We had a very big (expensive) party with decorations to the hilt! We had about 35 girls that erupted in screams after they all completed the 10 second countdown and then didn't make a sound until the end of the movie.

Well, the time has come again! HSM3, EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! We bought our tickets online we run no risk of it being sold out and we downloaded the soundtrack so we can listen to it on the way there and the way home. I am just grateful that this will be less expensive than having some giant party at my house and then have to clean up a giant mess! So here we go, in our pajamas by the way. The girls convinced me that it would be more fun if we were wearing pajamas. Hhhmmm....don't know about that, but okay!

I just talked to my friend that got home from Paris and there were High School Musical 3 posters in the airport there! That made me laugh! :-)

I AM....

Well, like I said earlier, I was thinking about writing a blog called I Am so here it is:
I AM…
Oh, I am forgetful! I am complex.
I am a mother and a wife. I am the thermostat in my home.
I am a democrat. I am also an independent. I am fascinated by politics, I am disgusted by politics.
I am a Christian. I hate religion!
I am very random in my thoughts and often in my actions. I am deliberate in my word.
I am a foster mommy. I hate the foster system!
I am a wine lover.
I am a dog lover.
I love to write but wish I wasn’t so self conscience!
I am a lover and a fighter!
I am a music fanatic.
I am a musician.
I sing.
I feel other people’s pain. I feel other people’s happiness.
I cry with my friends, and I cry with strangers.
I am alone.
I am loved. I love very deeply! So often I feel unloved.
I am an artist.
I am a runner.
I am passionate!!!
I am persuasive! I am passive.
I vote! I don’t trust any one man, except Jesus Christ!
I am not held by fear. I wish my fear didn’t control as much of my life as it did.
I am my daughter’s friend and mother. I am wondering if I can be both.
I am argumentative. I am a peacemaker.
I am a paradox!!!!
(can’t you tell???)

New Blog...How Exciting!!!

Can I just say it took me about an hour of pondering and talking to myself to come up with a title for my new blog. I am not sure how I like it still, and I am definitely going to have to figure out how to come up with my own cool layout. I have been reading other people's blogs and was unhappy with my site on Multiply so here I am.
You might be wondering why I seem to be on the computer all the time. (Or maybe you aren't and could care less.) Well, I have a foster baby who I am not really supposed to write about but he is very very fussy and as of lately, only happy if he is playing in his crib alone so that means I am housebound and the only people I talk to are the news anchors on T.V. (yeah, I know...sad huh?), my friends on the phone (they aren't answering much lately, hhhmmmm...), and myself (that is always such an interesting conversation!).
So, here I am with a new blog. Rambling Outloud Way Too Often, the title is appropriate for me but I don't know if I really like it. There is one other problem, outloud is supposed to be two words and not one but I don't think it looks right the "right" way. I have never been one to follow the spelling rules very well anyway! Well, we will see where this little blog goes. Please feel free to comment because that is almost like an adult talking to me and I will be so thrilled!
Off I go to try and figure out how to make this so very cute!
Tat-tah!!!