My List

It's December 29th...it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm feeling good!

Can you tell I am listening to Micheal Buble?

So I made it through the whole giving back our foster baby thing! I felt God's strength in such a big way as I handed back to his mom. I didn't even hardly cry! Miracle!

Now, Christmas is over and I cleared all the evidence out of my house today! Dusted, vacuumed, and threw away lots of trash...whew that feels good!

Now Michayla is at a friends house for the night and X is still at work and I have the clean house all to myself for a bit!

Of course I still have all my facebook friends to chat with at a moments notice, yes I have a mild addiction to facebook!

Listening to The Verve and blogging, life is good!

I have been thinking a lot about the up and coming 2009 year. I don't really make any real resolutions but I do sit down and write out some goals. I don't hold myself to them but it's nice to sit down, reflect and think of what I would like to do. My goals don't necessarily have to get accomplished in that coming year but I like to plan trips and adventures. I could always use some kind of improvement in different areas of my life. There are disciplines I would still like to acquire and I think that it is good to sit down and write them all down. I write down the little things like, I want to read more beauty magazines, to I want to travel to Indonesia or Salsa dance in Cuba. So here it goes...my list for 2009...

I WOULD LIKE TO...

* Learn Spanish

*Run a half marathon

*(like I said before) Salsa Dance in Cuba

*Go on a cruise with my girls

*Go back to Hawaii (a must at least once a year!)

*Grow my hair long again

*perfect my downward dog and warrior pose :-)

*Join a book club

*Take a cooking class

*Get my personal training certification

*Renew my spinning certification and start teaching again

*Laugh more, stress less

*Connect more with my friends

*Go wine tasting in Napa

*Visit NYC

*Stop a few crazy cycles I find myself in

*Be more assertive

*Think less of what other people think about me

*Write more

*Love with all of me

*Mentor a woman in need

*Go fishing more

*Buy a convertible

*Sing karaoke

So there you go. I am sure I will think up some more tonight. I will be adding to that list. So here you go, go make your own list. Write down your thoughts of your life this last year, the good, bad and the ugly. Write down your own crazy thoughts of where you would like to go and what you would like to do. Don't limit yourself! Ooh, there is another one...*I am not going to limit myself!

DREAM!!!!!

What Did I do? How do I do This?

As I was at the doctors office with him yesterday for two hours I was thinking, “Thank God this is my last doctors visit with him!" But as the day went on the tears came and the thoughts of not being able to do this with my sanity still intact set in.There was a storm today. A cold, wet storm that decided to get worse as I stepped out the door (of course). I am not the most organized person to begin with. Every year I go through something of the same, can't find my umbrellas. I have a couple of huge, fabulous pink umbrellas. I put them away somewhere every year and can't find them till the rain passes. This year is no exception. I have looked everywhere and still cannot find them. I will probably find them tomorrow after the rain stops. So, today I had a doctors appointment for the baby. I get him bundled up, grab his blanket, give him his bottle and head out the door. As we run out the door, we get about halfway to the car and he chucks the bottle. I run after it and pick it up. I drape his blanket over my head because I decided to try and look cute today, you know make-up and flat ironed hair. Evan is pissed off that I am trying to use his blanky and screams as I put into his car seat. He arches his back so I can't seat belt him in and rips the blanket off my head. I am soaked as I finally get into the car. Whew...then we get there...It's STILL raining...A LOT!!!We got there and we waited for an hour and a half and it was hell! Baby was on crack…no not really (not a funny joke considering why we have him), but he was out of his mind hyper. They couldn’t even weigh him because he was so wild and so the nurse says that she wants me to get on the scale and weigh us both together then me by myself so she could get his correct weight….OH…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?

A Tough Week

This week is my last week with our little foster baby...I can't even type that without crying! He has not been an easy baby at all. I have been in somewhat of a hole these last 6 months. I believe that we did what we were supposed to do. On the other hand I really went into this, at first, thinking we were going to be able to adopt him. I didn't realize that a system was not willing to give to him the resources that we might need to help him. There have been so many things go on with this case that it would make a normal person's mind spin...yet we were blessed to have him for these 6 months. Blessed and cursed...man has it been hard!
His mom is not ready to have him back, and I feel after knowing her for these 6 months, that she won't ever be ready to have all three of her kids. More than likely they will end up back in the system. Statistically they will be back in a foster home. Statistically the mom will end up back on drugs. This is not the first rehab she has been in and her mom is still an addict and has been one for 30+ years. She took both her kids there today for the afternoon.
Hey, let's give her another chance...how am I supposed to do this??? What did I get myself into...me and my good effing deeds! I am a mess! I really don't know how to get through this~
This is all I can say tonight.

Reflection

This darling little girl is my niece, Shayla Jean. Besides my own daughter, she is my most favorite little girl in the world! She is curious, cuddly, and hilarious!!! She didn't want to go back up to the Sacramento area with her parents, away from her auntie and the ocean, but seeing as though she is only 14 months old she didn't have much of a choice! This picture was taken while we were at the Oceanside Pier during the Thanksgiving week.

The parentals and brother, sis-in-law, and baby Shay-Shay came down for three days. You know what? There was NO drama! It was one of the best holidays in a really long time! My brother was so fun to hang out with, I have always thought that he is one of the coolest cats around. We got to see his best friends for breakfast and catch up and laugh and laugh! I even cried when they left! We had a blast!