What Did I do? How do I do This?

As I was at the doctors office with him yesterday for two hours I was thinking, “Thank God this is my last doctors visit with him!" But as the day went on the tears came and the thoughts of not being able to do this with my sanity still intact set in.There was a storm today. A cold, wet storm that decided to get worse as I stepped out the door (of course). I am not the most organized person to begin with. Every year I go through something of the same, can't find my umbrellas. I have a couple of huge, fabulous pink umbrellas. I put them away somewhere every year and can't find them till the rain passes. This year is no exception. I have looked everywhere and still cannot find them. I will probably find them tomorrow after the rain stops. So, today I had a doctors appointment for the baby. I get him bundled up, grab his blanket, give him his bottle and head out the door. As we run out the door, we get about halfway to the car and he chucks the bottle. I run after it and pick it up. I drape his blanket over my head because I decided to try and look cute today, you know make-up and flat ironed hair. Evan is pissed off that I am trying to use his blanky and screams as I put into his car seat. He arches his back so I can't seat belt him in and rips the blanket off my head. I am soaked as I finally get into the car. Whew...then we get there...It's STILL raining...A LOT!!!We got there and we waited for an hour and a half and it was hell! Baby was on crack…no not really (not a funny joke considering why we have him), but he was out of his mind hyper. They couldn’t even weigh him because he was so wild and so the nurse says that she wants me to get on the scale and weigh us both together then me by myself so she could get his correct weight….OH…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?