I haven't really been in the writing mood lately but as of the last couple days I thought I should put a few thoughts down here in the Blog World.
2009 has been a wild ride so far.
A few words that come to mind are:
Empowering
Passionate
Respect
Love
Freedom
Interminable
I have gone back to work in our company, actually I was asked to come back which is a huge deal! My husband and I own a company and my input was never really seen as of much value, at least that is how I felt. I would sit in the background, shaking my head when I didn't agree with what decisions were made or how things were being run, but all the while letting out a sigh (You know, one of those "wife sighs" that can be heard anywhere in the building!).
I didn't work there for an entire year and didn't have much input during that year. As a result, without getting into the details, I was asked to come in and figure out how and where things were going so wrong.
You see, I decided that this was the year that I was going to be me without apologies! I was not going to be the wallflower or the doormat. I was going to be the person that didn't hide behind my mask of martyrdom. I was no longer going to be the "yes girl" when I wanted to say NO! I was going to be Amber without saying "I am sorry!"
As a result something very surprising happened.
After an "I am woman hear me roar!" proclamation...and a couple knock down drag out fights, I noticed that my husband looked at me with a little more admiration and respect. My opinions, not being hidden anymore and my lack of apologizing for them I started to stand up a little straighter and in turn, I was looking at him straight on instead of cricking my neck trying to look up at him.
Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't as pathetic as I am making myself sound pre-2009 (and my husband is not a jerk like he might sound), but I had this false notion that I should be so damn pleasant and nice all the time, that I was denying myself the respect that I deserved, not just from my husband but from people in general.
We are six weeks into this new year and I feel like I have come out of a fog. I feel more connected and attracted to my husband that I have felt in a long time. I feel like he has a new respect for me and I for him.
We have been married, coming up on 14 years in April and I am truly content and happy.
He is the person that I would choose to spend all my time with if I had to choose just one person. A few weeks ago we stayed up and talked until 4am! That's right...4am! The best part of that was realizing that we still enjoy asking each other questions and then listening to the answers to those questions. The fact that we are still interested in hearing what the other thinks about issues and life, neither one of us have become a forgone conclusion!
I am so grateful that one of our favorite things to do together is dream about our future, and plan adventures together and things that we want to do separately.
I have learned to give him the freedom to be who he is, all that he is and all that entails. I am not afraid that he will take this freedom and abuse it.
I don't want to take who he is and try to control that. I want to give him the freedom and encouragement to be him, in all his wildness and harebrained ideas!
He has done the same for me, but for so long I (once again, in my martyrdom) I was afraid to really be me.
In so many ways he would tell me that from time to time.
I never understood what he was saying until this year! Now I get it.
Let's see what happens...this is going to be good! :-)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Another Tag...I'm It!!!!
1. What is your biggest language pet peeve?
Double Negatives...you know, "You don't got no..." or "You don't do nothing." That gets on my LAST nerve!!!!
2. What are you wearing right now?
Black workout pants, a black tank and flip flops...Yoga attire!
3. If we were to look in your shower or tub right now, what would we see?
Razor, Trader Joe's Grapefruit Sea Scrub, shampoo and conditioner and body wash
4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I would have gone to college right out of High School
5. Name of your 4th grade teacher?
My mom...I was home schooled that year, she was fabulous!!!!
6. What was the last thing you drank?
Wheat Grass Juice shot....that was before I had glass of Chardonnay at 11:45 PM!!!!!
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A Charger Girl...yep, that's right...I aim High!
8. How many colleges did you attend?
I went to Bible College for a year (that wasn't really like "college" but whatever) and I have gone to JC off and on and am now making the commitment....never too old, right??? :-)
9. What's something strange about you?
What is strange about me.....hhhhmmmm......I don't believe in psychics but.... I have strong (and hardly ever wrong) premonitions about people I care deeply about....either listen to me or don't. It's your bet! LOL!
10. Something that the opposite sex wears that is sexy to you?
Surf Trunks or a wetsuit :-)
11. Last book you read?
Women Who Run Wild With the Wolves
12. What errand/chore do you despise?
LAUNDRY!!!!
13. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in!
14. Who was your favorite cartoon character on TV as a kid?
Smurfette (is that how you spell it???)
15. Three perfumes you wear?
If the sun is shining- Pink from the gap. It is all grapefruity and fun. On a date night Black by Kenneth Cole and my new favorite is the new Juicy Couture!
16. Your favorite lunch meat?
Not a big lunch meat person with all the nitrates and chemicals so I love Hummus, Cucumbers, tomatoes, and sprouts! Yummy!
17. Describe Hell in seven words?
Life ..Without.. Truth..Eternal..Darkness..Regret..Thirst...
18. Beach or lake?
BEACH! Sorry but there is no way you can compare the power of the ocean against a lake....
19. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Nope!
20. What is your drink of choice when you're at a bar?
Lemon Drop! I love licking the sugar off the rim of the glass!
21. Name one famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Jesus!!!!!!
22. Three pets and their names you had growing up?
Missy-a giant St. Bernard when I was very little, Tramp- a hyperactive golden retriever, and Bear- a fabulous black lab...Miss them!
23. What do you usually order at Starbucks?
Skinny Vanilla Latte, no foam
24. Something you could eat once a week and never get tired of it?
Brie Cheese or Goat Cheese and a French Baguette!!!
25. Do you speak any other languages?
I am in the process of learning Spanish. I can understand most of it but I need some help speaking it. Then I want to learn Italian!!!
26. Four words that describe the person you like/love?
Strong, Independent, Hilarious, and Stubborn
27. What are you listening to right now?
Warm Whispers, Missy Higgins
28. When you travel on a plane what are your essentials?
Water, a book, Ipod, Xanax and a cocktail as soon as I sit down!
29. What do you do when you're nervous?
Bite my lip
30. Chocolate is:
equal to a marijuana high....at least that's what they say.....
31. I will always remember:
When Xavier kissed me for the first time!
32. The proudest moment in my life:
Becoming a mom
33. What's one thing you worry about a lot?
People not being happy with me, or letting people down. It's a bad habit!
34. Something this year that you're looking forward to?
Going to Puerto Rico and setting sail on a 7 night 7 island cruise with my two best girlfriends and a group of other friends that I can't wait to get to know!!!!
35. Is there anyone (opposite sex) who truly loves you unconditionally?
My husband
36. What's your goal in the next couple of months?
To keep myself at the top of the list (If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy!)
37. Favorite kind of cookie?
Chocolate dipped Macaroon!
38. Three things that are a total turn off?
A negative attitude, unkindness, prejudice, and laziness ( I know that four but oh, well)
39. Finish this sentence. Don't confuse:
joy with happiness!
40. What game are you really good at?
Well, first off NOT Pathwords! Right??? LOL! I would have to say I am good at Cranium...I kick ass at that game! :-)
Double Negatives...you know, "You don't got no..." or "You don't do nothing." That gets on my LAST nerve!!!!
2. What are you wearing right now?
Black workout pants, a black tank and flip flops...Yoga attire!
3. If we were to look in your shower or tub right now, what would we see?
Razor, Trader Joe's Grapefruit Sea Scrub, shampoo and conditioner and body wash
4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I would have gone to college right out of High School
5. Name of your 4th grade teacher?
My mom...I was home schooled that year, she was fabulous!!!!
6. What was the last thing you drank?
Wheat Grass Juice shot....that was before I had glass of Chardonnay at 11:45 PM!!!!!
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A Charger Girl...yep, that's right...I aim High!
8. How many colleges did you attend?
I went to Bible College for a year (that wasn't really like "college" but whatever) and I have gone to JC off and on and am now making the commitment....never too old, right??? :-)
9. What's something strange about you?
What is strange about me.....hhhhmmmm......I don't believe in psychics but.... I have strong (and hardly ever wrong) premonitions about people I care deeply about....either listen to me or don't. It's your bet! LOL!
10. Something that the opposite sex wears that is sexy to you?
Surf Trunks or a wetsuit :-)
11. Last book you read?
Women Who Run Wild With the Wolves
12. What errand/chore do you despise?
LAUNDRY!!!!
13. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in!
14. Who was your favorite cartoon character on TV as a kid?
Smurfette (is that how you spell it???)
15. Three perfumes you wear?
If the sun is shining- Pink from the gap. It is all grapefruity and fun. On a date night Black by Kenneth Cole and my new favorite is the new Juicy Couture!
16. Your favorite lunch meat?
Not a big lunch meat person with all the nitrates and chemicals so I love Hummus, Cucumbers, tomatoes, and sprouts! Yummy!
17. Describe Hell in seven words?
Life ..Without.. Truth..Eternal..Darkness..Regret..Thirst...
18. Beach or lake?
BEACH! Sorry but there is no way you can compare the power of the ocean against a lake....
19. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Nope!
20. What is your drink of choice when you're at a bar?
Lemon Drop! I love licking the sugar off the rim of the glass!
21. Name one famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Jesus!!!!!!
22. Three pets and their names you had growing up?
Missy-a giant St. Bernard when I was very little, Tramp- a hyperactive golden retriever, and Bear- a fabulous black lab...Miss them!
23. What do you usually order at Starbucks?
Skinny Vanilla Latte, no foam
24. Something you could eat once a week and never get tired of it?
Brie Cheese or Goat Cheese and a French Baguette!!!
25. Do you speak any other languages?
I am in the process of learning Spanish. I can understand most of it but I need some help speaking it. Then I want to learn Italian!!!
26. Four words that describe the person you like/love?
Strong, Independent, Hilarious, and Stubborn
27. What are you listening to right now?
Warm Whispers, Missy Higgins
28. When you travel on a plane what are your essentials?
Water, a book, Ipod, Xanax and a cocktail as soon as I sit down!
29. What do you do when you're nervous?
Bite my lip
30. Chocolate is:
equal to a marijuana high....at least that's what they say.....
31. I will always remember:
When Xavier kissed me for the first time!
32. The proudest moment in my life:
Becoming a mom
33. What's one thing you worry about a lot?
People not being happy with me, or letting people down. It's a bad habit!
34. Something this year that you're looking forward to?
Going to Puerto Rico and setting sail on a 7 night 7 island cruise with my two best girlfriends and a group of other friends that I can't wait to get to know!!!!
35. Is there anyone (opposite sex) who truly loves you unconditionally?
My husband
36. What's your goal in the next couple of months?
To keep myself at the top of the list (If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy!)
37. Favorite kind of cookie?
Chocolate dipped Macaroon!
38. Three things that are a total turn off?
A negative attitude, unkindness, prejudice, and laziness ( I know that four but oh, well)
39. Finish this sentence. Don't confuse:
joy with happiness!
40. What game are you really good at?
Well, first off NOT Pathwords! Right??? LOL! I would have to say I am good at Cranium...I kick ass at that game! :-)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Women Who Run With the Wolves
I found this book in a used bookstore in Catalina and was immediatly drawn to the title. This is a portion from Women Who Run With the Wolves:
There is a time in our lives, usually in midlife, when a woman has to make a decision-possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life-about whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out .” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.
A body who has lived a long time accumulates debris. It cannot be avoided. But if a woman will return to the instinctual nature instead of sinking into bitterness, she will be revivified, reborn,. The woman who returns to Wild Woman, too, will come back to life. She will want to play. She will still want to grow. But first, there has to a cleansing.
Women have died a thousand deaths before they are twenty years old. They’ve gone in this direction or that, and have been cut off. They have hopes and dreams that have been cut off also. Anyone who says otherwise is still asleep. All that is grist for the mill of descansos.
While all these things deepen individuation, differentiation, growing up and growing out, blossoming, becoming awake and aware and conscious, they are also profound tragedies and have to be grieved as such.
To make descansos means taking a look at your life and marking where the small deaths, las muertes chicitas, and the big deaths, las muertes grandotas, have taken place. I like to make a time-line of a woman’s life on a big long sheet of white butcher paper, and to mark with a cross the places along the graph, starting with her infancy all the way to the present where parts and pieces of her self and her life have died.
We mark where there were roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and deaths. I put a little cross along the tim-line at the places that should have been mourned, or still need to be mourned. And then I write in the background “forgotten” for those things that the woman senses but have not yet surfaced. I also write “forgiven” over those things the woman has for the most part released.
I encourage you to make descansos, to sit down with a time-line of your life and say”where are the crosses? Where are the places that must be remembered, must be blessed?” In all are meanings that you’ve brought forward into your life today. They must be remembered, but they must be forgotten at the same time. It takes time. And patience.
Be gentle with yourself and make the descansos, the resting places for the aspects of yourself that were on their way to somewhere, but never arrived. Descansos mark the death sites, the dark times, but they are also love notes to your suffering. They are transformative. There is a lot to be said for pinning things to the earth so they don’t follow us around. There is a lot to be said for laying them to rest.
There is a time in our lives, usually in midlife, when a woman has to make a decision-possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life-about whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out .” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.
A body who has lived a long time accumulates debris. It cannot be avoided. But if a woman will return to the instinctual nature instead of sinking into bitterness, she will be revivified, reborn,. The woman who returns to Wild Woman, too, will come back to life. She will want to play. She will still want to grow. But first, there has to a cleansing.
Women have died a thousand deaths before they are twenty years old. They’ve gone in this direction or that, and have been cut off. They have hopes and dreams that have been cut off also. Anyone who says otherwise is still asleep. All that is grist for the mill of descansos.
While all these things deepen individuation, differentiation, growing up and growing out, blossoming, becoming awake and aware and conscious, they are also profound tragedies and have to be grieved as such.
To make descansos means taking a look at your life and marking where the small deaths, las muertes chicitas, and the big deaths, las muertes grandotas, have taken place. I like to make a time-line of a woman’s life on a big long sheet of white butcher paper, and to mark with a cross the places along the graph, starting with her infancy all the way to the present where parts and pieces of her self and her life have died.
We mark where there were roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and deaths. I put a little cross along the tim-line at the places that should have been mourned, or still need to be mourned. And then I write in the background “forgotten” for those things that the woman senses but have not yet surfaced. I also write “forgiven” over those things the woman has for the most part released.
I encourage you to make descansos, to sit down with a time-line of your life and say”where are the crosses? Where are the places that must be remembered, must be blessed?” In all are meanings that you’ve brought forward into your life today. They must be remembered, but they must be forgotten at the same time. It takes time. And patience.
Be gentle with yourself and make the descansos, the resting places for the aspects of yourself that were on their way to somewhere, but never arrived. Descansos mark the death sites, the dark times, but they are also love notes to your suffering. They are transformative. There is a lot to be said for pinning things to the earth so they don’t follow us around. There is a lot to be said for laying them to rest.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Tagged, I'm It!!!
Okay, so I was tagged in a blog by Trevor so here I go...3 things...
3 names I go by:
Amber Lynne, Mom, Michayla's mom
-3 screen names I have:
runnergirl92008, winediva, amberlynne
-3 physical things I like about myself:
eyes (the are speckled instead of one color, you have to look closely), my hair, my breasts :-)
-3 physical things I dislike about myself:
the weight I have put on (that will be remedied though), I am starting to get those darn sun spots on my face, one calf muscle is a little bigger than the other
(don't I sound pretty! LOL)
-3 parts of my heritage:
Native American, Irish, French
-3 of my everyday essentials:
Blackberry, Red Bull, Mineral Make up
-3 of my favorite musicians:
Lenny Kravitz!!!, Frank Sinatra, Red Hot Chili Peppers
-3 of my favorite songs:
Father Figure by George Michael (cheesy, I know!!! but man do I love that song! LOL), Breathe by Anna Nalick, Lovely Tonight by Joshua Radin
-3 things that scare me:
losing my daughter, never figuring what I want to do "when I grow up", looking back at my life at the age of 50 and regretting missed opportunities
-3 things I want in a relationship:
passion, honesty, laughter
-3 lies I tell:
"Of course I am not upset", "I ran some errands", when I was really down at the beach reading or writing or thinking, "I didn't get your call" sorry...
-3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
a surfer back and chest, a sense of adventure, a sense of humor
-3 of my hobbies:
reading, painting, surfing or kayaking and playing with the sea lions (anything that has to do with the ocean really)
-3 places I'd like to go on vacation:
Indo, France, North Shore of Hawaii as often as I can!
-3 kids names I like:
Daviah (Dah-veeha), Kahayah, Chloe
-3 things I'd like to do before I die:
Fly with the Blue Angels, write a book, See a 50 ft wave at Peahi with Laird Hamilton on it ;-)
-3 things I'm most grateful for:
my family, my health, my friends
3 names I go by:
Amber Lynne, Mom, Michayla's mom
-3 screen names I have:
runnergirl92008, winediva, amberlynne
-3 physical things I like about myself:
eyes (the are speckled instead of one color, you have to look closely), my hair, my breasts :-)
-3 physical things I dislike about myself:
the weight I have put on (that will be remedied though), I am starting to get those darn sun spots on my face, one calf muscle is a little bigger than the other
(don't I sound pretty! LOL)
-3 parts of my heritage:
Native American, Irish, French
-3 of my everyday essentials:
Blackberry, Red Bull, Mineral Make up
-3 of my favorite musicians:
Lenny Kravitz!!!, Frank Sinatra, Red Hot Chili Peppers
-3 of my favorite songs:
Father Figure by George Michael (cheesy, I know!!! but man do I love that song! LOL), Breathe by Anna Nalick, Lovely Tonight by Joshua Radin
-3 things that scare me:
losing my daughter, never figuring what I want to do "when I grow up", looking back at my life at the age of 50 and regretting missed opportunities
-3 things I want in a relationship:
passion, honesty, laughter
-3 lies I tell:
"Of course I am not upset", "I ran some errands", when I was really down at the beach reading or writing or thinking, "I didn't get your call" sorry...
-3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
a surfer back and chest, a sense of adventure, a sense of humor
-3 of my hobbies:
reading, painting, surfing or kayaking and playing with the sea lions (anything that has to do with the ocean really)
-3 places I'd like to go on vacation:
Indo, France, North Shore of Hawaii as often as I can!
-3 kids names I like:
Daviah (Dah-veeha), Kahayah, Chloe
-3 things I'd like to do before I die:
Fly with the Blue Angels, write a book, See a 50 ft wave at Peahi with Laird Hamilton on it ;-)
-3 things I'm most grateful for:
my family, my health, my friends
Monday, December 29, 2008
My List
It's December 29th...it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm feeling good!
Can you tell I am listening to Micheal Buble?
So I made it through the whole giving back our foster baby thing! I felt God's strength in such a big way as I handed back to his mom. I didn't even hardly cry! Miracle!
Now, Christmas is over and I cleared all the evidence out of my house today! Dusted, vacuumed, and threw away lots of trash...whew that feels good!
Now Michayla is at a friends house for the night and X is still at work and I have the clean house all to myself for a bit!
Of course I still have all my facebook friends to chat with at a moments notice, yes I have a mild addiction to facebook!
Listening to The Verve and blogging, life is good!
I have been thinking a lot about the up and coming 2009 year. I don't really make any real resolutions but I do sit down and write out some goals. I don't hold myself to them but it's nice to sit down, reflect and think of what I would like to do. My goals don't necessarily have to get accomplished in that coming year but I like to plan trips and adventures. I could always use some kind of improvement in different areas of my life. There are disciplines I would still like to acquire and I think that it is good to sit down and write them all down. I write down the little things like, I want to read more beauty magazines, to I want to travel to Indonesia or Salsa dance in Cuba. So here it goes...my list for 2009...
I WOULD LIKE TO...
* Learn Spanish
*Run a half marathon
*(like I said before) Salsa Dance in Cuba
*Go on a cruise with my girls
*Go back to Hawaii (a must at least once a year!)
*Grow my hair long again
*perfect my downward dog and warrior pose :-)
*Join a book club
*Take a cooking class
*Get my personal training certification
*Renew my spinning certification and start teaching again
*Laugh more, stress less
*Connect more with my friends
*Go wine tasting in Napa
*Visit NYC
*Stop a few crazy cycles I find myself in
*Be more assertive
*Think less of what other people think about me
*Write more
*Love with all of me
*Mentor a woman in need
*Go fishing more
*Buy a convertible
*Sing karaoke
So there you go. I am sure I will think up some more tonight. I will be adding to that list. So here you go, go make your own list. Write down your thoughts of your life this last year, the good, bad and the ugly. Write down your own crazy thoughts of where you would like to go and what you would like to do. Don't limit yourself! Ooh, there is another one...*I am not going to limit myself!
DREAM!!!!!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
What Did I do? How do I do This?
As I was at the doctors office with him yesterday for two hours I was thinking, “Thank God this is my last doctors visit with him!" But as the day went on the tears came and the thoughts of not being able to do this with my sanity still intact set in.There was a storm today. A cold, wet storm that decided to get worse as I stepped out the door (of course). I am not the most organized person to begin with. Every year I go through something of the same, can't find my umbrellas. I have a couple of huge, fabulous pink umbrellas. I put them away somewhere every year and can't find them till the rain passes. This year is no exception. I have looked everywhere and still cannot find them. I will probably find them tomorrow after the rain stops. So, today I had a doctors appointment for the baby. I get him bundled up, grab his blanket, give him his bottle and head out the door. As we run out the door, we get about halfway to the car and he chucks the bottle. I run after it and pick it up. I drape his blanket over my head because I decided to try and look cute today, you know make-up and flat ironed hair. Evan is pissed off that I am trying to use his blanky and screams as I put into his car seat. He arches his back so I can't seat belt him in and rips the blanket off my head. I am soaked as I finally get into the car. Whew...then we get there...It's STILL raining...A LOT!!!We got there and we waited for an hour and a half and it was hell! Baby was on crack…no not really (not a funny joke considering why we have him), but he was out of his mind hyper. They couldn’t even weigh him because he was so wild and so the nurse says that she wants me to get on the scale and weigh us both together then me by myself so she could get his correct weight….OH…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
A Tough Week
This week is my last week with our little foster baby...I can't even type that without crying! He has not been an easy baby at all. I have been in somewhat of a hole these last 6 months. I believe that we did what we were supposed to do. On the other hand I really went into this, at first, thinking we were going to be able to adopt him. I didn't realize that a system was not willing to give to him the resources that we might need to help him. There have been so many things go on with this case that it would make a normal person's mind spin...yet we were blessed to have him for these 6 months. Blessed and cursed...man has it been hard!
His mom is not ready to have him back, and I feel after knowing her for these 6 months, that she won't ever be ready to have all three of her kids. More than likely they will end up back in the system. Statistically they will be back in a foster home. Statistically the mom will end up back on drugs. This is not the first rehab she has been in and her mom is still an addict and has been one for 30+ years. She took both her kids there today for the afternoon.
Hey, let's give her another chance...how am I supposed to do this??? What did I get myself into...me and my good effing deeds! I am a mess! I really don't know how to get through this~
This is all I can say tonight.
His mom is not ready to have him back, and I feel after knowing her for these 6 months, that she won't ever be ready to have all three of her kids. More than likely they will end up back in the system. Statistically they will be back in a foster home. Statistically the mom will end up back on drugs. This is not the first rehab she has been in and her mom is still an addict and has been one for 30+ years. She took both her kids there today for the afternoon.
Hey, let's give her another chance...how am I supposed to do this??? What did I get myself into...me and my good effing deeds! I am a mess! I really don't know how to get through this~
This is all I can say tonight.
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