Tagged, I'm It!!!

Okay, so I was tagged in a blog by Trevor so here I go...3 things...
3 names I go by:
Amber Lynne, Mom, Michayla's mom
-3 screen names I have:
runnergirl92008, winediva, amberlynne
-3 physical things I like about myself:
eyes (the are speckled instead of one color, you have to look closely), my hair, my breasts :-)
-3 physical things I dislike about myself:
the weight I have put on (that will be remedied though), I am starting to get those darn sun spots on my face, one calf muscle is a little bigger than the other
(don't I sound pretty! LOL)
-3 parts of my heritage:
Native American, Irish, French
-3 of my everyday essentials:
Blackberry, Red Bull, Mineral Make up
-3 of my favorite musicians:
Lenny Kravitz!!!, Frank Sinatra, Red Hot Chili Peppers
-3 of my favorite songs:
Father Figure by George Michael (cheesy, I know!!! but man do I love that song! LOL), Breathe by Anna Nalick, Lovely Tonight by Joshua Radin
-3 things that scare me:
losing my daughter, never figuring what I want to do "when I grow up", looking back at my life at the age of 50 and regretting missed opportunities
-3 things I want in a relationship:
passion, honesty, laughter
-3 lies I tell:
"Of course I am not upset", "I ran some errands", when I was really down at the beach reading or writing or thinking, "I didn't get your call" sorry...
-3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
a surfer back and chest, a sense of adventure, a sense of humor
-3 of my hobbies:
reading, painting, surfing or kayaking and playing with the sea lions (anything that has to do with the ocean really)
-3 places I'd like to go on vacation:
Indo, France, North Shore of Hawaii as often as I can!
-3 kids names I like:
Daviah (Dah-veeha), Kahayah, Chloe
-3 things I'd like to do before I die:
Fly with the Blue Angels, write a book, See a 50 ft wave at Peahi with Laird Hamilton on it ;-)
-3 things I'm most grateful for:
my family, my health, my friends

My List

It's December 29th...it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm feeling good!

Can you tell I am listening to Micheal Buble?

So I made it through the whole giving back our foster baby thing! I felt God's strength in such a big way as I handed back to his mom. I didn't even hardly cry! Miracle!

Now, Christmas is over and I cleared all the evidence out of my house today! Dusted, vacuumed, and threw away lots of trash...whew that feels good!

Now Michayla is at a friends house for the night and X is still at work and I have the clean house all to myself for a bit!

Of course I still have all my facebook friends to chat with at a moments notice, yes I have a mild addiction to facebook!

Listening to The Verve and blogging, life is good!

I have been thinking a lot about the up and coming 2009 year. I don't really make any real resolutions but I do sit down and write out some goals. I don't hold myself to them but it's nice to sit down, reflect and think of what I would like to do. My goals don't necessarily have to get accomplished in that coming year but I like to plan trips and adventures. I could always use some kind of improvement in different areas of my life. There are disciplines I would still like to acquire and I think that it is good to sit down and write them all down. I write down the little things like, I want to read more beauty magazines, to I want to travel to Indonesia or Salsa dance in Cuba. So here it goes...my list for 2009...

I WOULD LIKE TO...

* Learn Spanish

*Run a half marathon

*(like I said before) Salsa Dance in Cuba

*Go on a cruise with my girls

*Go back to Hawaii (a must at least once a year!)

*Grow my hair long again

*perfect my downward dog and warrior pose :-)

*Join a book club

*Take a cooking class

*Get my personal training certification

*Renew my spinning certification and start teaching again

*Laugh more, stress less

*Connect more with my friends

*Go wine tasting in Napa

*Visit NYC

*Stop a few crazy cycles I find myself in

*Be more assertive

*Think less of what other people think about me

*Write more

*Love with all of me

*Mentor a woman in need

*Go fishing more

*Buy a convertible

*Sing karaoke

So there you go. I am sure I will think up some more tonight. I will be adding to that list. So here you go, go make your own list. Write down your thoughts of your life this last year, the good, bad and the ugly. Write down your own crazy thoughts of where you would like to go and what you would like to do. Don't limit yourself! Ooh, there is another one...*I am not going to limit myself!

DREAM!!!!!

What Did I do? How do I do This?

As I was at the doctors office with him yesterday for two hours I was thinking, “Thank God this is my last doctors visit with him!" But as the day went on the tears came and the thoughts of not being able to do this with my sanity still intact set in.There was a storm today. A cold, wet storm that decided to get worse as I stepped out the door (of course). I am not the most organized person to begin with. Every year I go through something of the same, can't find my umbrellas. I have a couple of huge, fabulous pink umbrellas. I put them away somewhere every year and can't find them till the rain passes. This year is no exception. I have looked everywhere and still cannot find them. I will probably find them tomorrow after the rain stops. So, today I had a doctors appointment for the baby. I get him bundled up, grab his blanket, give him his bottle and head out the door. As we run out the door, we get about halfway to the car and he chucks the bottle. I run after it and pick it up. I drape his blanket over my head because I decided to try and look cute today, you know make-up and flat ironed hair. Evan is pissed off that I am trying to use his blanky and screams as I put into his car seat. He arches his back so I can't seat belt him in and rips the blanket off my head. I am soaked as I finally get into the car. Whew...then we get there...It's STILL raining...A LOT!!!We got there and we waited for an hour and a half and it was hell! Baby was on crack…no not really (not a funny joke considering why we have him), but he was out of his mind hyper. They couldn’t even weigh him because he was so wild and so the nurse says that she wants me to get on the scale and weigh us both together then me by myself so she could get his correct weight….OH…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?

A Tough Week

This week is my last week with our little foster baby...I can't even type that without crying! He has not been an easy baby at all. I have been in somewhat of a hole these last 6 months. I believe that we did what we were supposed to do. On the other hand I really went into this, at first, thinking we were going to be able to adopt him. I didn't realize that a system was not willing to give to him the resources that we might need to help him. There have been so many things go on with this case that it would make a normal person's mind spin...yet we were blessed to have him for these 6 months. Blessed and cursed...man has it been hard!
His mom is not ready to have him back, and I feel after knowing her for these 6 months, that she won't ever be ready to have all three of her kids. More than likely they will end up back in the system. Statistically they will be back in a foster home. Statistically the mom will end up back on drugs. This is not the first rehab she has been in and her mom is still an addict and has been one for 30+ years. She took both her kids there today for the afternoon.
Hey, let's give her another chance...how am I supposed to do this??? What did I get myself into...me and my good effing deeds! I am a mess! I really don't know how to get through this~
This is all I can say tonight.

Reflection

This darling little girl is my niece, Shayla Jean. Besides my own daughter, she is my most favorite little girl in the world! She is curious, cuddly, and hilarious!!! She didn't want to go back up to the Sacramento area with her parents, away from her auntie and the ocean, but seeing as though she is only 14 months old she didn't have much of a choice! This picture was taken while we were at the Oceanside Pier during the Thanksgiving week.

The parentals and brother, sis-in-law, and baby Shay-Shay came down for three days. You know what? There was NO drama! It was one of the best holidays in a really long time! My brother was so fun to hang out with, I have always thought that he is one of the coolest cats around. We got to see his best friends for breakfast and catch up and laugh and laugh! I even cried when they left! We had a blast!

My Joy

My daughter's middle name is Joy. A joy is truly what she is to me, especially lately!!! She is 11 and she is fabulous! Right now we are both reading books in the Twilight series and we are both counting down the days until the movie comes out on Friday.
I debated and thought about whether to let her read the book series. But after reading all but the last book, I decided to let her go ahead.
We were in Barnes and Nobles (our favorite place on earth, besides the beach) and we were talking about all her friends that were reading the 1st book in the series, Twilight. She had asked me to read the book a couple months ago but I had told her that I thought that she should wait until she was a bit older. She sighed and asked once more but I stood my ground.
Michayla, being the lady that she is, accepted my decision with grace and an attempt to find another book that could hold her attention. I am so grateful that she loves to read!
Back to Barnes and Noble. We were there talking about Twilight, and what she had heard. She had a friend of hers ask her if she was reading it and she told this girl that no she hadn't but she really wanted to, but her mom had told her that she needed to wait until she was a little older. She said this without a pout, without manipulation, and without even a hint of anger towards me. She trusted me to make a decision about something she really wanted to do and didn't argue with me. As we stood there in the isle between the children section and the pre-teen section, I looked down at her and asked, "Michayla, you really want to read Twilight don't you."
She replied with a shrug of the shoulders and a quick glance down towards her feet.
"I know you want me to wait to read it. That's okay!" She said.
Right there my heart melted. I was thinking about letting her read it, but I wanted to make sure the books were okay.
I asked her again, "Do you want to read Twilight?".
She looked up at me with those big hazel eyes and said, "Yeah mom, I really really do."
"Grab the book and I will read it with you." I could not resist how sweet she was about the whole thing!
This is my Michayla Joy! She is a girl that has challenged me (what an understatement!) in a way that I never thought that "my child" would challenge me with. We have had our share of pre-adolescence problems (with even a trip down to the Police Station for some scared straight tactics), but right now I am enjoying her immensely!
We cook together almost every night. She loves helping me look up recipes, gathering up all our ingredients, and chopping, seasoning and marinating. We watch the Food Network together just for fun and inspiration. She is now starting to come up with her own ideas for recipes, some pretty good ones really!
We discuss politics and how some people handle (or don't handle) themselves well during political discussions.
We talk about respecting others opinions and their views without compromising your own convictions.
We talk about how to be tactful and gracious.
We talk about issues that concern her and how they impact the world as she sees it. We talk about what her role can be now and later to help others less fortunate.
No matter who you voted for in this presidential election, I love the fact that through watching the debates she picked up (all by herself) the fact that Obama stressed community service, and that she might be able to get a "discount for college" (Michayla's paraphrasing) if she served her community. She was so excited about that and informed me right then that she would be voting for Obama because of that reason alone! :-) If only she could vote! :-)

We have had a foster baby for the last 6 months who has taken a lot attention off of her, which being an only child I would have thought she might have gotten jealous. Not once has she complained..NOT ONCE!!! She has learned a lot about other people and drugs and bad decisions leading you down a road that you never thought you would end up on. She has learned that drug addicts are not second rate citizens that you look down on. I pray that it will forever be impressed on her that it was only one bad decision for some, that lead them down a path of utter despair. These people need her and her compassion! She is already looking for ways to make a difference.

We talk about God and the Bible. We talk about other religions and what different people believe. I share with her what I have seen God do and I tell her stories about hope, love and peace.

We are using the same facial scrub, deodorant, hairspray, flat iron and hair accessories.

We talk about traveling to different countries and cities. We have so many travel plans. She is so adventurous!

Okay, so right now she just asked me if tomorrow, we could have steak for dinner, and potatoes. She is always thinking ahead, in terms of food! LOL! Then she asks, " Mom, why are potatoes soooo good with steak?"
Oh Michayla, I don't know. They just are!
I adore you, mama!!!!

Fall Thoughts

Here is California, that fall feeling is different than it is in other parts of this country. Halloween day was about 82* during the day and a very warm night. The plus of that is that we don't have to wear jackets that cover up our, Oh so Cute, costumes. The draw back is that I am really ready for a change. Finally a couple days ago when the time changed it rained and is very cold at night. (By cold I mean 57* at night...buuurrr. Yes, I know that could be above most peoples day time temp!) But now that it feels like fall I was looking through some pictures and I found this one, and for some reason it make me feel fallish. (Is that a word?) These girls make me so happy. They are silly, goofy, intelligent, thoughtful, full of drama and kindness! I finally found the cord to download my pics from my camera and I need to catch up on the blog about cheer competition the election, and some cooking creations. I just had to give a shout out to Fall and say, " I am happy you finally decided to show up!!!".

Here are a couple of other pics from Halloween. I think these girls are some fabulous little ladies!!!

Ready for school in at 6:30 AM!!!

Cheese!

Goofy!!!