Rambling Outloud Way Too Often

Balance

2009-08-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

Balance is something I don't have a lot of.
I wonder if there is really anyone who has found a way to have a perfect balance in their life.
I doubt it.
I think that there are definitely people who have achieved a higher level of balance than others but I would bet that we all struggle with it.
I planned on writing everyday for 30 days no matter what. I must say that doing that is not very realistic. Once again, my lack of balance rears its ugly head.
My lack of balance has kept me from doing so many things because of fear and frustration of what I would see as failure. For example, I want to workout 6 days a week.
Realistic?
So I start on day one, day two, day three, day four, and now I am feeling goooood. I am so proud of myself. Day five comes and I am stuck in the office all day and then I have to go drive Michayla around, go grocery shopping, make dinner and I just drank a glass of wine. Gym...what gym?
Do I get up and go the next day? The answer is sadly no. Why, you might ask.
I blew it.
I "failed"
I could give you example after example of ways I do this to myself.
I have lived my life by all these rules that others have imposed upon me or that I have set upon myself. None of these rules have any balance in them whatsoever.
So I have set out in this new way of living. The thing I have been craving the most is balance.
I am eating 85% raw, living food. I have also fallen of the wagon and had some champagne and a few pieces of grilled chicken. **GASP**
But you know what? I started all over the very next day and didn't even really regret my indulgences.
I am losing weight and gaining perspective. I am shedding bad habits and grabbing hold of optimism. I have thrown out rules and have embraced clarity. I am eating raw, living, healthy, brightly colored food and learning balance.
Tomorrow will be the end of two weeks of eating mostly raw, living, organic food and drinking delicious green drinks. I feel fabulous! I am still waiting for that wake up early and ready to go feeling! I am hoping for that along with balance. :-)
Today I bought a book by one of my favorite authors, Being in Balance by Dr. Wayne Dyer and I thought I would share a quote from the book that really hit home with me.
There is a law in psychology that if you form a picture in your mind of what you would like to be, and you keep and you hold that picture there long enough, you will soon become exactly as you have been thinking.
That also sounds a lot like the verse in the Bible, As a man thinks in his heart, so he is. Proverbs 23:7
I am thinking that I am achieving balance and becoming a much healthier person physically, spiritually and emotionally.
YEY ME!!!!

It's the Little Things...

2009-08-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

...like, Michayla and her friend Skye walking around the Harbor like I used to do with my best friend when I was her age. Watching them laugh and laugh...and laugh at nothing, just like I used to do with my friends (and sometimes still do...)
It's the little things like, being near the ocean and breathing in the salty air.
It's having friends that are more like family...It's having friends that have a boat at the harbor, that are willing to be generous enough to let you use it whenever. By whenever I mean living on it while they are gone for vacation or if you just need a get away for a night.
It's the little things in life like having a partner that after 16 years of being together you are still curious about what they think about different situations, politics, and general life topics. Nobody has become a foregone conclusion.
I sit here typing on my friend Jackie and Rod's boat in the harbor. Large fish keep leaping out of the water, Pelicans fly by, I can hear the laughter of my daughter and her friend, the tide pushes us back and forth and all I can think of is, "I must be the most blessed person on the face of the earth."
~The ocean, the white foam it throws, the wet sand you step into that sinks as you pass, the sand crabs that make triangles in the sand as the tide recedes, the sea weed and kelp that tangles in heaps on the shore...these are a few of my favorite things...
~The smell of salt, the sound of Michayla's laugh, the surprise of a sea lion popping up out of nowhere...those are some of my favorite things!
~Ipods that can play french music, pop and rap music and new age music...that is really good too! ~Lights that glimmer off the water, and birds that squawk so loudly as they go by....
~The breeze, the stillness of the water that makes it look like glass...
~The bubbles in a champagne glass that help us celebrate...
~The familiarity of family without expectation or rules...
~Digital cameras and cell phones, and the ability to catch funny moments like no other time before...
~God's grace, Thank Him for always forgiving, for never keeping a record of wrong when we fall...
~Thank God he looks at our heart...can I hear an amen???
~I love all the different cultures, languages, and customs...may we be able to travel far and often.
But for now, I am grateful for the simple sound of a rope being stretched and pulled against a boat, for the comfort of my family being very near, and for the ability of living and playing in a place I love and cherish so much...These are a few of my favorite things!

Detoxing?

2009-07-31T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like crap! Crap Crap Crap!!! It is day 7 of my raw food lifestyle and I didn't sleep very well last night. I had stomach cramps and just couldn't sleep, period! I woke up very tired and didn't even have the desire for any food.
I just made some veggie juice and drank some barley grass juice and now, I feel worse. I have a headache and am in a bad mood! I don't want to eat broccoli or anything like that. I want a giant New York style cheese pizza!
This is my first food craving. I have lost 10lbs in one week, so that is a plus.
I am going to go to the gym and do some cardio for 30 min and then sit in the sauna for 20. Maybe then I will feel a little better.
I feel like I am in some new phase of detoxing. I don't know...

Day 2 (can't really come up with anything clever)

2009-07-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

I am not in the mood to write and it's only day two of my goal. It's late and I am a little tired.
I just got back from Barnes and Noble, my favorite place on earth, and picked up a raw food cookbook and another book called Green for Life.
Today I didn't eat anything cooked and juiced twice. I took the Barley Grass powder 3 times just like it said to do and I didn't have any unpleasant symptoms. I think I am getting used to this. I am not hungry very much, but when I am I feel a weird power over my hunger. It is like my body is telling me that it needs something and I am the one that is in control this time not my hunger. I feel 1000% more will power than I had just one week ago!
I am looking forward to reading through the cookbook and finding out how to cook and eat this way long term. Right now I am just eating nuts, fruit, plain veggies and juice, that can't satisfy me long term for sure!
The thing I am having a hard time with is remembering to drink water. I don't think I am drinking enough. Maybe that is because I what I am eating has so much water in it. I am pretty sure that I still need to be drinking more water.
Other than that it's all going pretty well. I am just tired for now, so goodnight!

Hello Again

2009-07-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't done this in a while! I have fallen off the writing wagon for a while and now, I am ready to jump back on!

My goal is to write in this blog for thirty days without missing one single day. No matter how short or long I will have something to say for thirty days. So here we go!

My newest venture is giving up meat, all processed food, white and refined sugar, dairy (even my beloved Brie and Goat Cheese), alcohol, and almost all things cooked.

I had a liver panel done and my liver enzymes were a little high and that really gave me a wake up call! I new I needed to lose some much earned weight, but I had no idea that my liver was even the slightest bit affected. I took that very seriously and researched everything I could about the liver and what affects it and found out that being over weight, eating in the way of the Standard American Diet otherwise known as SAD, taking even medications like ibuprofen, and drinking quite a bit of alcohol has a profound impact on your liver. Most of this I knew but thought, "Oh, it can't happen to me. I am not an unhealthy person."

Well, it was starting to happen to me and I am not having it! I am not going to become the person I was already starting to become! Does that make sense?

So, I busted out my Jack Lalanne Juicer and ran down to my local health food store and bought organic beets, carrots, spinach, kale, cucumbers, apples, and grapes to juice. I also bought some artichoke pills and a liver detox tea, I rarely do things half way!

I started juicing on Friday. It is now Wednesday and after a couple days of headaches and some unpleasant symptoms I feel really good! My food cravings are all but gone! It has almost been too easy. I expected this to be way more difficult than it has been. Maybe, it is just because I am really ready to make a change and my body is thanking me for being kind to it after these last four years I have not been treating it very well!

I am eating a bunch of organic fruit in the morning for breakfast, but before I do that I mix up this Barley grass powder in 6 ounces of water and down it. I didn't think I was going to be able to do that but it looks worse than it tastes! If you like green tea you can drink this! It is very earthy tasting and has no aftertaste whatsoever! I was pleasantly surprised! This Barley Grass juice is very alkalizing and has amazing effects on everything inside your body. I also juice a lot of veggies which once again, I have never been able to stomach, but now I really enjoy the taste! I don't know what happened but I am very happy I can do it and enjoy it!

What I have noticed so far, and remember I have only been doing this for 5 days, I have lost over 5 lbs, I have more mental clarity, my eyes are brighter, I am not as hungry, my food cravings are gone, and the best is how I feel so much more positive or optimistic. Maybe I feel less stressed out and a lot more balanced.

I still struggle with energy in the morning and a few times during the day. I know I am still detoxing and it will take a while to reap the full benefits.

So the plan is to eat 85% raw and 15% cooked food. If it is alive it is good. If it is dead or could walk, it is a no no. That is the plan and we will see what happens down the road. I am just looking forward to feeling like my old self and looking like my old self too! :-)

Well, there you go. Day one of writing for thirty days straight. YEY me!!!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T...

2009-02-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't really been in the writing mood lately but as of the last couple days I thought I should put a few thoughts down here in the Blog World.
2009 has been a wild ride so far.
A few words that come to mind are:
Empowering
Passionate
Respect
Love
Freedom
Interminable
I have gone back to work in our company, actually I was asked to come back which is a huge deal! My husband and I own a company and my input was never really seen as of much value, at least that is how I felt. I would sit in the background, shaking my head when I didn't agree with what decisions were made or how things were being run, but all the while letting out a sigh (You know, one of those "wife sighs" that can be heard anywhere in the building!).
I didn't work there for an entire year and didn't have much input during that year. As a result, without getting into the details, I was asked to come in and figure out how and where things were going so wrong.
You see, I decided that this was the year that I was going to be me without apologies! I was not going to be the wallflower or the doormat. I was going to be the person that didn't hide behind my mask of martyrdom. I was no longer going to be the "yes girl" when I wanted to say NO! I was going to be Amber without saying "I am sorry!"
As a result something very surprising happened.
After an "I am woman hear me roar!" proclamation...and a couple knock down drag out fights, I noticed that my husband looked at me with a little more admiration and respect. My opinions, not being hidden anymore and my lack of apologizing for them I started to stand up a little straighter and in turn, I was looking at him straight on instead of cricking my neck trying to look up at him.
Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't as pathetic as I am making myself sound pre-2009 (and my husband is not a jerk like he might sound), but I had this false notion that I should be so damn pleasant and nice all the time, that I was denying myself the respect that I deserved, not just from my husband but from people in general.
We are six weeks into this new year and I feel like I have come out of a fog. I feel more connected and attracted to my husband that I have felt in a long time. I feel like he has a new respect for me and I for him.
We have been married, coming up on 14 years in April and I am truly content and happy.
He is the person that I would choose to spend all my time with if I had to choose just one person. A few weeks ago we stayed up and talked until 4am! That's right...4am! The best part of that was realizing that we still enjoy asking each other questions and then listening to the answers to those questions. The fact that we are still interested in hearing what the other thinks about issues and life, neither one of us have become a forgone conclusion!
I am so grateful that one of our favorite things to do together is dream about our future, and plan adventures together and things that we want to do separately.
I have learned to give him the freedom to be who he is, all that he is and all that entails. I am not afraid that he will take this freedom and abuse it.
I don't want to take who he is and try to control that. I want to give him the freedom and encouragement to be him, in all his wildness and harebrained ideas!
He has done the same for me, but for so long I (once again, in my martyrdom) I was afraid to really be me.
In so many ways he would tell me that from time to time.
I never understood what he was saying until this year! Now I get it.
Let's see what happens...this is going to be good! :-)

Another Tag...I'm It!!!!

2009-01-13T11:19:00.000-08:00

1. What is your biggest language pet peeve?
Double Negatives...you know, "You don't got no..." or "You don't do nothing." That gets on my LAST nerve!!!!
2. What are you wearing right now?
Black workout pants, a black tank and flip flops...Yoga attire!
3. If we were to look in your shower or tub right now, what would we see?
Razor, Trader Joe's Grapefruit Sea Scrub, shampoo and conditioner and body wash
4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I would have gone to college right out of High School
5. Name of your 4th grade teacher?
My mom...I was home schooled that year, she was fabulous!!!!
6. What was the last thing you drank?
Wheat Grass Juice shot....that was before I had glass of Chardonnay at 11:45 PM!!!!!
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A Charger Girl...yep, that's right...I aim High!
8. How many colleges did you attend?
I went to Bible College for a year (that wasn't really like "college" but whatever) and I have gone to JC off and on and am now making the commitment....never too old, right??? :-)
9. What's something strange about you?
What is strange about me.....hhhhmmmm......I don't believe in psychics but.... I have strong (and hardly ever wrong) premonitions about people I care deeply about....either listen to me or don't. It's your bet! LOL!
10. Something that the opposite sex wears that is sexy to you?
Surf Trunks or a wetsuit :-)
11. Last book you read?
Women Who Run Wild With the Wolves
12. What errand/chore do you despise?
LAUNDRY!!!!
13. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in!
14. Who was your favorite cartoon character on TV as a kid?
Smurfette (is that how you spell it???)
15. Three perfumes you wear?
If the sun is shining- Pink from the gap. It is all grapefruity and fun. On a date night Black by Kenneth Cole and my new favorite is the new Juicy Couture!
16. Your favorite lunch meat?
Not a big lunch meat person with all the nitrates and chemicals so I love Hummus, Cucumbers, tomatoes, and sprouts! Yummy!
17. Describe Hell in seven words?
Life ..Without.. Truth..Eternal..Darkness..Regret..Thirst...
18. Beach or lake?
BEACH! Sorry but there is no way you can compare the power of the ocean against a lake....
19. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Nope!
20. What is your drink of choice when you're at a bar?
Lemon Drop! I love licking the sugar off the rim of the glass!
21. Name one famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Jesus!!!!!!
22. Three pets and their names you had growing up?
Missy-a giant St. Bernard when I was very little, Tramp- a hyperactive golden retriever, and Bear- a fabulous black lab...Miss them!
23. What do you usually order at Starbucks?
Skinny Vanilla Latte, no foam
24. Something you could eat once a week and never get tired of it?
Brie Cheese or Goat Cheese and a French Baguette!!!
25. Do you speak any other languages?
I am in the process of learning Spanish. I can understand most of it but I need some help speaking it. Then I want to learn Italian!!!
26. Four words that describe the person you like/love?
Strong, Independent, Hilarious, and Stubborn
27. What are you listening to right now?
Warm Whispers, Missy Higgins
28. When you travel on a plane what are your essentials?
Water, a book, Ipod, Xanax and a cocktail as soon as I sit down!
29. What do you do when you're nervous?
Bite my lip
30. Chocolate is:
equal to a marijuana high....at least that's what they say.....
31. I will always remember:
When Xavier kissed me for the first time!
32. The proudest moment in my life:
Becoming a mom
33. What's one thing you worry about a lot?
People not being happy with me, or letting people down. It's a bad habit!
34. Something this year that you're looking forward to?
Going to Puerto Rico and setting sail on a 7 night 7 island cruise with my two best girlfriends and a group of other friends that I can't wait to get to know!!!!
35. Is there anyone (opposite sex) who truly loves you unconditionally?
My husband
36. What's your goal in the next couple of months?
To keep myself at the top of the list (If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy!)
37. Favorite kind of cookie?
Chocolate dipped Macaroon!
38. Three things that are a total turn off?
A negative attitude, unkindness, prejudice, and laziness ( I know that four but oh, well)
39. Finish this sentence. Don't confuse:
joy with happiness!
40. What game are you really good at?
Well, first off NOT Pathwords! Right??? LOL! I would have to say I am good at Cranium...I kick ass at that game! :-)

Women Who Run With the Wolves

2009-01-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

I found this book in a used bookstore in Catalina and was immediatly drawn to the title. This is a portion from Women Who Run With the Wolves:
There is a time in our lives, usually in midlife, when a woman has to make a decision-possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life-about whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point where they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out .” Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.
A body who has lived a long time accumulates debris. It cannot be avoided. But if a woman will return to the instinctual nature instead of sinking into bitterness, she will be revivified, reborn,. The woman who returns to Wild Woman, too, will come back to life. She will want to play. She will still want to grow. But first, there has to a cleansing.
Women have died a thousand deaths before they are twenty years old. They’ve gone in this direction or that, and have been cut off. They have hopes and dreams that have been cut off also. Anyone who says otherwise is still asleep. All that is grist for the mill of descansos.
While all these things deepen individuation, differentiation, growing up and growing out, blossoming, becoming awake and aware and conscious, they are also profound tragedies and have to be grieved as such.
To make descansos means taking a look at your life and marking where the small deaths, las muertes chicitas, and the big deaths, las muertes grandotas, have taken place. I like to make a time-line of a woman’s life on a big long sheet of white butcher paper, and to mark with a cross the places along the graph, starting with her infancy all the way to the present where parts and pieces of her self and her life have died.
We mark where there were roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and deaths. I put a little cross along the tim-line at the places that should have been mourned, or still need to be mourned. And then I write in the background “forgotten” for those things that the woman senses but have not yet surfaced. I also write “forgiven” over those things the woman has for the most part released.
I encourage you to make descansos, to sit down with a time-line of your life and say”where are the crosses? Where are the places that must be remembered, must be blessed?” In all are meanings that you’ve brought forward into your life today. They must be remembered, but they must be forgotten at the same time. It takes time. And patience.
Be gentle with yourself and make the descansos, the resting places for the aspects of yourself that were on their way to somewhere, but never arrived. Descansos mark the death sites, the dark times, but they are also love notes to your suffering. They are transformative. There is a lot to be said for pinning things to the earth so they don’t follow us around. There is a lot to be said for laying them to rest.

Tagged, I'm It!!!

2009-01-05T13:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I was tagged in a blog by Trevor so here I go...3 things...
3 names I go by:
Amber Lynne, Mom, Michayla's mom
-3 screen names I have:
runnergirl92008, winediva, amberlynne
-3 physical things I like about myself:
eyes (the are speckled instead of one color, you have to look closely), my hair, my breasts :-)
-3 physical things I dislike about myself:
the weight I have put on (that will be remedied though), I am starting to get those darn sun spots on my face, one calf muscle is a little bigger than the other
(don't I sound pretty! LOL)
-3 parts of my heritage:
Native American, Irish, French
-3 of my everyday essentials:
Blackberry, Red Bull, Mineral Make up
-3 of my favorite musicians:
Lenny Kravitz!!!, Frank Sinatra, Red Hot Chili Peppers
-3 of my favorite songs:
Father Figure by George Michael (cheesy, I know!!! but man do I love that song! LOL), Breathe by Anna Nalick, Lovely Tonight by Joshua Radin
-3 things that scare me:
losing my daughter, never figuring what I want to do "when I grow up", looking back at my life at the age of 50 and regretting missed opportunities
-3 things I want in a relationship:
passion, honesty, laughter
-3 lies I tell:
"Of course I am not upset", "I ran some errands", when I was really down at the beach reading or writing or thinking, "I didn't get your call" sorry...
-3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
a surfer back and chest, a sense of adventure, a sense of humor
-3 of my hobbies:
reading, painting, surfing or kayaking and playing with the sea lions (anything that has to do with the ocean really)
-3 places I'd like to go on vacation:
Indo, France, North Shore of Hawaii as often as I can!
-3 kids names I like:
Daviah (Dah-veeha), Kahayah, Chloe
-3 things I'd like to do before I die:
Fly with the Blue Angels, write a book, See a 50 ft wave at Peahi with Laird Hamilton on it ;-)
-3 things I'm most grateful for:
my family, my health, my friends

My List

2008-12-29T17:24:00.000-08:00

It's December 29th...it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...and I'm feeling good!

Can you tell I am listening to Micheal Buble?

So I made it through the whole giving back our foster baby thing! I felt God's strength in such a big way as I handed back to his mom. I didn't even hardly cry! Miracle!

Now, Christmas is over and I cleared all the evidence out of my house today! Dusted, vacuumed, and threw away lots of trash...whew that feels good!

Now Michayla is at a friends house for the night and X is still at work and I have the clean house all to myself for a bit!

Of course I still have all my facebook friends to chat with at a moments notice, yes I have a mild addiction to facebook!

Listening to The Verve and blogging, life is good!

I have been thinking a lot about the up and coming 2009 year. I don't really make any real resolutions but I do sit down and write out some goals. I don't hold myself to them but it's nice to sit down, reflect and think of what I would like to do. My goals don't necessarily have to get accomplished in that coming year but I like to plan trips and adventures. I could always use some kind of improvement in different areas of my life. There are disciplines I would still like to acquire and I think that it is good to sit down and write them all down. I write down the little things like, I want to read more beauty magazines, to I want to travel to Indonesia or Salsa dance in Cuba. So here it goes...my list for 2009...

I WOULD LIKE TO...

* Learn Spanish

*Run a half marathon

*(like I said before) Salsa Dance in Cuba

*Go on a cruise with my girls

*Go back to Hawaii (a must at least once a year!)

*Grow my hair long again

*perfect my downward dog and warrior pose :-)

*Join a book club

*Take a cooking class

*Get my personal training certification

*Renew my spinning certification and start teaching again

*Laugh more, stress less

*Connect more with my friends

*Go wine tasting in Napa

*Visit NYC

*Stop a few crazy cycles I find myself in

*Be more assertive

*Think less of what other people think about me

*Write more

*Love with all of me

*Mentor a woman in need

*Go fishing more

*Buy a convertible

*Sing karaoke

So there you go. I am sure I will think up some more tonight. I will be adding to that list. So here you go, go make your own list. Write down your thoughts of your life this last year, the good, bad and the ugly. Write down your own crazy thoughts of where you would like to go and what you would like to do. Don't limit yourself! Ooh, there is another one...*I am not going to limit myself!

DREAM!!!!!

What Did I do? How do I do This?

2008-12-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

As I was at the doctors office with him yesterday for two hours I was thinking, “Thank God this is my last doctors visit with him!" But as the day went on the tears came and the thoughts of not being able to do this with my sanity still intact set in.There was a storm today. A cold, wet storm that decided to get worse as I stepped out the door (of course). I am not the most organized person to begin with. Every year I go through something of the same, can't find my umbrellas. I have a couple of huge, fabulous pink umbrellas. I put them away somewhere every year and can't find them till the rain passes. This year is no exception. I have looked everywhere and still cannot find them. I will probably find them tomorrow after the rain stops. So, today I had a doctors appointment for the baby. I get him bundled up, grab his blanket, give him his bottle and head out the door. As we run out the door, we get about halfway to the car and he chucks the bottle. I run after it and pick it up. I drape his blanket over my head because I decided to try and look cute today, you know make-up and flat ironed hair. Evan is pissed off that I am trying to use his blanky and screams as I put into his car seat. He arches his back so I can't seat belt him in and rips the blanket off my head. I am soaked as I finally get into the car. Whew...then we get there...It's STILL raining...A LOT!!!We got there and we waited for an hour and a half and it was hell! Baby was on crack…no not really (not a funny joke considering why we have him), but he was out of his mind hyper. They couldn’t even weigh him because he was so wild and so the nurse says that she wants me to get on the scale and weigh us both together then me by myself so she could get his correct weight….OH…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
“I would rather not do that!” I said
“I have to because I need his correct weight.” she replied, very insistently.
“Okay, as long as I can face the other way because I really can’t see that number today in my fragile state of mind!” I agreed.
We got out of the Dr. office in a little over two hours and finally got home and out of the cold.
I was grateful that that would be my last doctors appointment with him.
Then it happened…Michayla got home from school, Evan woke up from a nap and I watched them play. Michayla has been unbelievable with him. I folded laundry while she played on my bed with him. I could feel myself slipping. I don’t know how I am going to do this. What did I do to Michayla. I gave her a baby brother for six months for him to be taken away from her.
I gave him his last bath and bawled my eyes out while I washed his hair for the last time.
I put his pajamas on him and watched him roll around with Michayla on the floor. She loves him so much and he adores her. Once again thinking what did I do! How do I do this?
Xavier came home and Evan gets so excited to see “Dadda!!!”
We put him to bed together, more crying, more thinking how do I do this!
I sat in my room by myself. I needed to figure this out. I needed to pull myself together.
Then Michayla came in took one look at me and started crying herself.
“I really liked having a little brother, even though he is annoying a lot!”
We laid on my bed and cried and questioned and cried some more.
Once more, what did I do and how do I do this?
His mom doesn’t seem happy to be getting him back. I just dropped him off with her for the last day visit that we do and asked her if she is excited and she just looks at me, not saying a word. What is that? As I drove away I saw her and a friend of hers go outside for a cigarette. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching Evan. She hadn’t even had him for two minutes and she needed a cigarette?
What is going to happen to him?
Statistically he will end up back in the system.
Parent’s rights. What about the child’s rights???
Tomorrow I will have to take him a check in facility to “surrender” him.
How do I walk away?
This little baby calls us mommy and daddy. He won’t understand that we aren’t abandoning him. He won’t understand that he can’t see his sissy anymore because the courts continuously put his birth mom’s right above his.
None of this makes sense.
I couldn’t find Evan’s blanket this morning and went into Michayla’s room and I found it in her bed on her pillow.This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!
How do I do this?

A Tough Week

2008-12-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

This week is my last week with our little foster baby...I can't even type that without crying! He has not been an easy baby at all. I have been in somewhat of a hole these last 6 months. I believe that we did what we were supposed to do. On the other hand I really went into this, at first, thinking we were going to be able to adopt him. I didn't realize that a system was not willing to give to him the resources that we might need to help him. There have been so many things go on with this case that it would make a normal person's mind spin...yet we were blessed to have him for these 6 months. Blessed and cursed...man has it been hard!
His mom is not ready to have him back, and I feel after knowing her for these 6 months, that she won't ever be ready to have all three of her kids. More than likely they will end up back in the system. Statistically they will be back in a foster home. Statistically the mom will end up back on drugs. This is not the first rehab she has been in and her mom is still an addict and has been one for 30+ years. She took both her kids there today for the afternoon.
Hey, let's give her another chance...how am I supposed to do this??? What did I get myself into...me and my good effing deeds! I am a mess! I really don't know how to get through this~
This is all I can say tonight.

Reflection

2008-12-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

This darling little girl is my niece, Shayla Jean. Besides my own daughter, she is my most favorite little girl in the world! She is curious, cuddly, and hilarious!!! She didn't want to go back up to the Sacramento area with her parents, away from her auntie and the ocean, but seeing as though she is only 14 months old she didn't have much of a choice! This picture was taken while we were at the Oceanside Pier during the Thanksgiving week.

The parentals and brother, sis-in-law, and baby Shay-Shay came down for three days. You know what? There was NO drama! It was one of the best holidays in a really long time! My brother was so fun to hang out with, I have always thought that he is one of the coolest cats around. We got to see his best friends for breakfast and catch up and laugh and laugh! I even cried when they left! We had a blast!

My Joy

2008-11-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

My daughter's middle name is Joy. A joy is truly what she is to me, especially lately!!! She is 11 and she is fabulous! Right now we are both reading books in the Twilight series and we are both counting down the days until the movie comes out on Friday.
I debated and thought about whether to let her read the book series. But after reading all but the last book, I decided to let her go ahead.
We were in Barnes and Nobles (our favorite place on earth, besides the beach) and we were talking about all her friends that were reading the 1st book in the series, Twilight. She had asked me to read the book a couple months ago but I had told her that I thought that she should wait until she was a bit older. She sighed and asked once more but I stood my ground.
Michayla, being the lady that she is, accepted my decision with grace and an attempt to find another book that could hold her attention. I am so grateful that she loves to read!
Back to Barnes and Noble. We were there talking about Twilight, and what she had heard. She had a friend of hers ask her if she was reading it and she told this girl that no she hadn't but she really wanted to, but her mom had told her that she needed to wait until she was a little older. She said this without a pout, without manipulation, and without even a hint of anger towards me. She trusted me to make a decision about something she really wanted to do and didn't argue with me. As we stood there in the isle between the children section and the pre-teen section, I looked down at her and asked, "Michayla, you really want to read Twilight don't you."
She replied with a shrug of the shoulders and a quick glance down towards her feet.
"I know you want me to wait to read it. That's okay!" She said.
Right there my heart melted. I was thinking about letting her read it, but I wanted to make sure the books were okay.
I asked her again, "Do you want to read Twilight?".
She looked up at me with those big hazel eyes and said, "Yeah mom, I really really do."
"Grab the book and I will read it with you." I could not resist how sweet she was about the whole thing!
This is my Michayla Joy! She is a girl that has challenged me (what an understatement!) in a way that I never thought that "my child" would challenge me with. We have had our share of pre-adolescence problems (with even a trip down to the Police Station for some scared straight tactics), but right now I am enjoying her immensely!
We cook together almost every night. She loves helping me look up recipes, gathering up all our ingredients, and chopping, seasoning and marinating. We watch the Food Network together just for fun and inspiration. She is now starting to come up with her own ideas for recipes, some pretty good ones really!
We discuss politics and how some people handle (or don't handle) themselves well during political discussions.
We talk about respecting others opinions and their views without compromising your own convictions.
We talk about how to be tactful and gracious.
We talk about issues that concern her and how they impact the world as she sees it. We talk about what her role can be now and later to help others less fortunate.
No matter who you voted for in this presidential election, I love the fact that through watching the debates she picked up (all by herself) the fact that Obama stressed community service, and that she might be able to get a "discount for college" (Michayla's paraphrasing) if she served her community. She was so excited about that and informed me right then that she would be voting for Obama because of that reason alone! :-) If only she could vote! :-)

We have had a foster baby for the last 6 months who has taken a lot attention off of her, which being an only child I would have thought she might have gotten jealous. Not once has she complained..NOT ONCE!!! She has learned a lot about other people and drugs and bad decisions leading you down a road that you never thought you would end up on. She has learned that drug addicts are not second rate citizens that you look down on. I pray that it will forever be impressed on her that it was only one bad decision for some, that lead them down a path of utter despair. These people need her and her compassion! She is already looking for ways to make a difference.

We talk about God and the Bible. We talk about other religions and what different people believe. I share with her what I have seen God do and I tell her stories about hope, love and peace.

We are using the same facial scrub, deodorant, hairspray, flat iron and hair accessories.

We talk about traveling to different countries and cities. We have so many travel plans. She is so adventurous!

Okay, so right now she just asked me if tomorrow, we could have steak for dinner, and potatoes. She is always thinking ahead, in terms of food! LOL! Then she asks, " Mom, why are potatoes soooo good with steak?"
Oh Michayla, I don't know. They just are!
I adore you, mama!!!!

Fall Thoughts

2008-11-06T16:17:00.000-08:00

Here is California, that fall feeling is different than it is in other parts of this country. Halloween day was about 82* during the day and a very warm night. The plus of that is that we don't have to wear jackets that cover up our, Oh so Cute, costumes. The draw back is that I am really ready for a change. Finally a couple days ago when the time changed it rained and is very cold at night. (By cold I mean 57* at night...buuurrr. Yes, I know that could be above most peoples day time temp!) But now that it feels like fall I was looking through some pictures and I found this one, and for some reason it make me feel fallish. (Is that a word?) These girls make me so happy. They are silly, goofy, intelligent, thoughtful, full of drama and kindness! I finally found the cord to download my pics from my camera and I need to catch up on the blog about cheer competition the election, and some cooking creations. I just had to give a shout out to Fall and say, " I am happy you finally decided to show up!!!".

Here are a couple of other pics from Halloween. I think these girls are some fabulous little ladies!!!

Ready for school in at 6:30 AM!!!

Cheese!

Goofy!!!

Lighten Up

2008-10-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

After yesterdays screaming blog I thought I need to lighten it up a bit.
When I get stressed I eat. I am trying hard to overcome this, so now instead, I cook. You might be thinking, "Hhhmmm, that sounds the same Amber." While it is similar, it is not raiding the pantry and eating the cookies and crackers and any other after school snacks I have stored.
Cooking calms me. I have really found that it is like meditation for me. It is just me, all my ingredients, maybe a glass of wine and my thoughts to ponder. I have found that it centers me.
I have been reading a lot of blogs lately. I have found some fabulously creative blogs. Decorating blogs, crafty blogs, and food blogs have been a source of comfort for me with all the politics and other negative things out there recently. I find myself drawn into a place where people want to talk paper and glue or goat cheese and peaches. Goat cheese and peaches make me smile!!!
Last night I made a recipe from one of my favorite blogs called FoodPornDaily.com, I love that name. I made stuffed portabello mushrooms with a side salad with balsamic dressing! I am telling you thick cut bacon, apples, onions, baby bok choy, parsley and chevre and freshly grated Parmesan sauteed and stuffed into a giant mushroom cap! YUMMY!!!! My house still smells yummy this morning.
Bad Day? What bad day?
That is what I found myself saying last night when I sat down to share that meal with my husband.
I find it amazing, the power of food. (For the good and evil. :-) )
Tonight I am making a roasted vegetable soup from a blog called PinchMySalt.com and then going down to my favorite French bistro to get some fresh French Bread and visit with the fabulous french owners. I love listening to them speak! Maybe have a cappuccino and talk about France for a while, that makes me smile too!
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow! :-)

What's Important

2008-10-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

Turning on the news this morning with depressing news. It just struck me especially sad this morning for some reason. There are just so many senseless murders, but don’t you dare even hint that you want to restrict my right to “bear arms”. Then I got a call from my husband and he told me that our really good friend’s mother was murdered yesterday by his brother. He was on drugs more than likely when he killed her. The details are still emerging as you could imagine.
I then took our little foster baby to his mother who is currently in a drug rehab. When I showed up there were several police cars in the parking lot. When I walked in to drop off this little baby there were three police officers and a woman that I have seen for the last 4 months sitting in the lobby with red and swollen eyes full of despair, resignation, hopelessness and determination. The despair of never being able to get out of her current situation, it must look so daunting. The resignation of giving in to the cycle of abuse and sickness, it must seem so strong. The hopelessness of the dark and dirty place you never seem that far from, it must be so frightening. The determination of a drug addict who will do anything for a fix, abandon her children, her sanity, and her soul.
I stood there staring at her, not even realizing I was staring because I wanted to run up to her and beg her not to leave everything she had worked so hard to achieve. I stood there with tears in my eyes fighting the urge to beg this mother not to leave her children. I was then approached by a stranger and told to give the baby to her so she could remove him from this volatile situation and she would deliver him to his mom. I then gave her the baby and diaper bag and she disappeared. I stood there for a second more and while I looked at this fellow mother sitting with tears streaming down her face and police standing around her, she looked up at me and I started crying and turned to walk out the door. As I waked to my car, there was a police officer talking on the phone telling the person on the other end that she just wants to leave and they were trying to get a hold of her parole officer to talk some sense in her but it was doubtful it would help because this woman was determined. She would go straight to jail, her two children straight to a foster home or if none could be found then, a holding center until one could be found.
Her children are at school. When they get out more than likely they will be greeted by a social worker and police officer and told that their mom won’t be able to take care of them. They will know what that means because they have been living in a drug rehab with her and know far to much for their very young age. They will be scared and there will be tears and hopefully someone with compassion to hold them while they are escorted to their new home for the time being.
As this election season finally draws to an end, today’s events have made me think. I have heard so many people talking, debating, and arguing about things like gun control and our right to own a damn gun. How imposing more taxes or any more regulations on fire arms would be so wrong. I have also heard a lot about taxes and how this person will raise your taxes and that person will cut your taxes. I have heard people argue about gay marriage and the impact that it will have on your right as a parent or our morality as a society. What about animal rights? They should be able to move in their cages and have a happy life as they are waiting to be killed for our consumption. While these issues are all important they are not the most important.
I do NOT hear anyone talking about these children that are motherless! I hear no one arguing about how our foster system is so broken that in a lot of cases they have to wait in a facility with 80 other children ages 11 and under, for homes because there aren’t any for them to go into. I have not gotten any emails about the amount of neglect or child abuse that goes on. I hear no one yelling about how broken our court systems are and how our drug programs are not working. There are about 1400 foster children in just San Diego county and there about 700 foster homes. These children are neglected and abused and there is no money for any rehabilitation or therapy for children under the age of three. NO money people, for the babies that can be greatly helped by play therapy or good doctors. You can’t even take these little people to good doctors because they are all on MediCal and community clinics are the only ones that will take MediCal.
This is an issue that is in every city, in every state. As a Christian I feel it is my responsibility to be an advocate for the orphan, I believe it is of every Christian. The Bible has made that abundantly clear. Somehow be part of the solution! Stop being so scared that your rights as a parent will be somehow taken away by the government, trust me…you can abuse drugs and your child, be in prison and still have parental rights to your child! You would even have the ability to say yes or no to someone else giving your child a simple hair cut! (Seriously!) What could have more of an impact on society? These children are growing up and will one day be the ones responsible for making a difference in our cities, good or bad.
Think about it!

A Random Saturday

2008-10-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

I went to bed last night exhausted! I have had a friends 11 year old daughter for the week and they have been sleeping in the front living room. On top of that at any weekday morning or afternoon I have at least 3 or 4 girls either getting ready in the morning or doing homework after school. The mess has been overwhelming! On top of that having a baby that zaps any energy you have because of the incessant whining and crying, it all has just been a little overwhelming. (Hhhmmm, that's the second time I have used that word in just a little paragraph.) I have not been taking care of myself either for example, not sleeping enough, drinking a little too much red wine, not eating well, not getting enough sunshine, not exercising...I think you get the picture.

This week I got a wake up call! This is not who I am!!!

Okay, refocus!

I am starting a cleanse Tuesday.

I am going through my cupboards today. Oh, the shame of what is lurking in there! This is how bad it is...I have two boxes of Top-of-Ramen in there!

It has been such an easy slide with all the kids that want snacks, to buy the cheap, easy, crappy snack food. What's wrong with ripe organic apples with natural organic peanut butter. It might take a little effort on my part but I want them to have good food and not just filler food.

I also want an organized house! Oh, I want that so bad! I am not the best at this! I was reading a blog the other day from one of my favorite artists and she was talking about how she always has a house full of High School boys and girls. She was talking about how she has this huge table and art supplies out all the time and the kids will just sit down and do little crafts, even high school football players! That totally inspired me! I love that! In a society where art is taken out of most public and private schools, to have a place that they can come to and hang out and get creative, I think that is just fabulous! Before I can make that happen I need to get a little organized. I need to find all my art supplies and make them available for use! (There's an idea. LOL!)

So this morning after crashing way before my husband last night, I woke up and found that my entire house was spotless and coffee was freshly made. It was like the cleaning fairy had come in the middle of the night and quickly and quietly cleaned and made coffee. Of course there is no cleaning fairy, but there is my husband! Yes, that is right! As I slept, he stayed up and cleaned and then made coffee this morning before he went to work. It is Saturday and he will be working all day and most of this evening. (Who said owning your own business is all that?) That is L.O.V.E!!!

Tomorrow is the start of competition season for Michayla's cheerleading. We will meet the team in a parking lot at 6am to drive down to San Diego to attend our 1st competition for the year. Let me tell you these girls look FABULOUS!!! Last year we got to go to Nationals in Florida and this year I am pretty sure we will be doing the same! Michayla is doing her back handspring in the routine this year so I am a little nervous but she is so great out there on that floor! It will be a LONG day tomorrow, but these are the memories I will take with me forever! We will have our car decorated with all the green silver and white we can get our hands on and will spend some of today making banners and signs for the parents. We will spend hours on putting curlers in hair and then another hour at the end of the day trying to figure out a way she can sleep comfortably with all those crazy things in her head! We will spend tomorrow screaming for our other O'side teams and be exhausted after laughing, crying(there is usually a lot of that happening at the end, win or lose), and dancing (you know the Cha-Cha slide and such). In the end the exhaustion is well worth it!

Quick note...Our football team is in the playoffs right now and if they win the championship (which they came within one game last year, but we had reffs that were paid off, long story..) they would go to Florida also. I think it would be the coolest thing if we all got to go together! That almost never happens! O'side ROCKS!!!! GO LIGHTNING PIRATES!!!!!!!!

HSM3

2008-10-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

Last year we had a countdown going until the premier of HSM2, for those of you that do not have pre-teen daughters that is High School Musical 2. We had a very big (expensive) party with decorations to the hilt! We had about 35 girls that erupted in screams after they all completed the 10 second countdown and then didn't make a sound until the end of the movie.

Well, the time has come again! HSM3, EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! We bought our tickets online we run no risk of it being sold out and we downloaded the soundtrack so we can listen to it on the way there and the way home. I am just grateful that this will be less expensive than having some giant party at my house and then have to clean up a giant mess! So here we go, in our pajamas by the way. The girls convinced me that it would be more fun if we were wearing pajamas. Hhhmmm....don't know about that, but okay!

I just talked to my friend that got home from Paris and there were High School Musical 3 posters in the airport there! That made me laugh! :-)

I AM....

2008-10-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well, like I said earlier, I was thinking about writing a blog called I Am so here it is:
I AM…
Oh, I am forgetful! I am complex.
I am a mother and a wife. I am the thermostat in my home.
I am a democrat. I am also an independent. I am fascinated by politics, I am disgusted by politics.
I am a Christian. I hate religion!
I am very random in my thoughts and often in my actions. I am deliberate in my word.
I am a foster mommy. I hate the foster system!
I am a wine lover.
I am a dog lover.
I love to write but wish I wasn’t so self conscience!
I am a lover and a fighter!
I am a music fanatic.
I am a musician.
I sing.
I feel other people’s pain. I feel other people’s happiness.
I cry with my friends, and I cry with strangers.
I am alone.
I am loved. I love very deeply! So often I feel unloved.
I am an artist.
I am a runner.
I am passionate!!!
I am persuasive! I am passive.
I vote! I don’t trust any one man, except Jesus Christ!
I am not held by fear. I wish my fear didn’t control as much of my life as it did.
I am my daughter’s friend and mother. I am wondering if I can be both.
I am argumentative. I am a peacemaker.
I am a paradox!!!!
(can’t you tell???)

New Blog...How Exciting!!!

2008-10-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

Can I just say it took me about an hour of pondering and talking to myself to come up with a title for my new blog. I am not sure how I like it still, and I am definitely going to have to figure out how to come up with my own cool layout. I have been reading other people's blogs and was unhappy with my site on Multiply so here I am.
You might be wondering why I seem to be on the computer all the time. (Or maybe you aren't and could care less.) Well, I have a foster baby who I am not really supposed to write about but he is very very fussy and as of lately, only happy if he is playing in his crib alone so that means I am housebound and the only people I talk to are the news anchors on T.V. (yeah, I know...sad huh?), my friends on the phone (they aren't answering much lately, hhhmmmm...), and myself (that is always such an interesting conversation!).
So, here I am with a new blog. Rambling Outloud Way Too Often, the title is appropriate for me but I don't know if I really like it. There is one other problem, outloud is supposed to be two words and not one but I don't think it looks right the "right" way. I have never been one to follow the spelling rules very well anyway! Well, we will see where this little blog goes. Please feel free to comment because that is almost like an adult talking to me and I will be so thrilled!
Off I go to try and figure out how to make this so very cute!
Tat-tah!!!